Captain America: When War Was Good

Captain America

Opening Date: ????
DVD Date: Two days before the Opening Date for certain.

Overview: Yet another mothefucking super hero film. This one has the legendary super hero Captain America in it. Running around as if there wasn't a camera and a film crew filming his fake ass antics. And to make matters worse the Hollywood knuckleheads that put together this "film" managed to destroy his cool patriotic costume and replace it with what looks to me to be a lumberjack uniform. Someone said that it was a parachuter's uniform but don't they take all that shit off after the jump? Captain America doesn't. He must think it's the current style or something which could be the case since the film is set in the 1940's during World War 2.

Starring: Chris "I'm the Human Torch Too" Evans, Adolf Hitler Jr. as "Adolf Hitler Senior.",  Matt Damon as "Bucky", Elvira as "The Red Skull", The Green Bay Packers as the evil organizaton known as "Hydra".

Special narration by President Obama

Stunts by: The Harlem Globetrotters

The Plot: A scrawny toothpick of a boy with the super-imposed head of Chris Evans wants to contribute to the "Better Late Than Never" war effort of the United States during World War 2. Once the bag of bones is enlisted he finds himself drawn into (no pun intended because this was a comic book) a secret government experiment to force feed a U.S. soldier a year's worth of vegetables all at once in the hope that it will make him super strong, incredibly agile, and able to make love to a woman for days without ejaculation. And guess what? It worked!

The Silly Review

If there was one word to describe the feeling I have for this film it would have to be "WHODOIHAVETOFINGERFUCKTOGETMYMONEYBACK?" The problems of this film began in the pre-production stage when a couple or more rich bozos got together and decided make a CAPTAIN AMERICA movie but change his world reknown costume! Once this "decision" was made, no doubt between bouts of alcohol consumption and heavy cocain usage, the movie was all but destined to be a fake, unfaithful and unflattering potrayel of the patriotic legendary comic book character.

The first scene of the film is like a microcosm of the entire film. It shows a young, malnurished to third world levels Steve Rogers stealing food from the local bakery and food stands. He's beat up by the food stand owner's fat and well fed sons who then feel sorry for breaking nearly every bone in the young thief's body. So they recommend that he join the Army or Marines or whatever to toughen him up. How the hell did this kid pass the entry examine is beyond me because I became severely distracted by a sudden flood of memories of that ridiculous "Parachuting Captain America" image on the poster outside of the theater. It made me storm outside to take another look at it just to be certain that I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't. There he was in that stupid parachuting costume with some sort of weird leather "helmet" on. He looked like a serial killer that parachutes down onto his victims.

Well after the first few scenes of this film and after the "death is near" look of Stever Rogers is replaced by the "Parachuting Serial Killer" Captain America look I was beginning to wish for the closing credits to show up and save me from this debacle of film making. But that didn't happen. I busied myself with looking around the auidence to see who besides us film critics would even begin to pay to see this junk. What I saw nearly knocked me out of my seat. I saw Iron Man sitting a few seats down from me, with his arm around guess who? Wonder Woman! And that jerk kicking the back of my seat? Well I finally turned around and took a good look at him and found out that it was fucking Batman! Up ahead of me was seated Spiderman, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four, in fact the whole theater was full of freaking super heroes! But where was Superman, the greatest super hero of them all? I began to ask the super heroes around me where the hell was Supes at but then an usher rudely shined a bright light into my face and told me in a booming, commanding voice to please shut the fuck up. I quickly turned around to face the screen but out of the corner of my eye I saw the usher's "uniform". It had a red flowing cape on the back of it, with an large "S" emblazoned on it. It was Superman and he was working as the usher! Now I realized that he didn't have a flashlight in his hands when he lit me up, but it was his X-Ray vision or Heat Vision or something that did it. By golly no wonder I got hot when he first addressed me. I thought it was the cheap ass theater's lack of air conditioning. I sat back to watch the rest of the movie but couldn't get my thoughts off of Supes!

Soon enough the terrible Captain America movie was over and I ran outside to see if Superman was still there. I caught a glimpse of him entering the theater that I had just left and was blocked by another employee who said that Superman needed to clean the theater before anyone could go into it. I started to ask him how long would it take but before I could finish my sentence Superman re-emerged and shouted that the theater was cleaned. I was stunned. It was a 890 seat theater! All done in less than a half a second! As I was about to ask Superman for his autograph the manager came between me and him. I saw him calling Superman an idiot for cleaning the theaters so fast. He said that last time he cleaned the theaters fast he overlooked a half eaten tray of Nacho's in the center of the theater. Then to my amazement he suspended Superman and told him not to come back to work for a week and a half! I decided to get the heck out of there because the Usher of Steal looked pretty damn angry. And if this usher got even a little bit pissed, movie night is going to become hell on on Earth!

The Jagged Bottom Line (TM): Avoid this film and re-watch "Superman: The Movie" (the 1977 one). Now THAT was a Superhero film! Now that Supes works as a movie theater usher he'll appreciate any viewing of his past glory days.

Thor 2 For You

Thor 2 -otherwise known as 'The Empire Strikes Back WITH The Wrath of Khan'

Starring:

-Thor (the real Thunder God himself!) as Thor
-Natalie Porkchop as The Hottie Girlfriend
-Robert 'I over-act, therefore I am' Downey Jr. as Iron Man
-Stan Lee (former Marvel Big Mouth editor-in-chief and now all-around glory hogger) as Loki, the God of Mischief
-Senator Boehner as the Backup Loki
-President Obama as Black Odin
-Paula Deen as the nigger hatin' Lady Sif
-Machete as Thor's Mexican sidekick with an attitude

Produced by the State of California (wasting more of desperate Californians' hard-scraped money)

Written by Anonymous

Insured by Ghetto Tupak Unlimited

Food catered by Roach Burger Express

Comic books for the film crew provided by The Metropolitan Correctional Center's Artistic Cons Group (Chicago, Illinois)

THE REVIEW
This film was the most incredible motion picture experience I or any other member of the audience had ever seen. First - how the heck did they manage to convince the real God of Thunder to do this movie??? And who was controlling the weather while he was on the Hollywood sets? Besides that obvious question the film begins with everybody fighting and ends with nearly everyone dead except for Thor and his main squeeze, Natalie Portslammer. Senator Boehner (pronounced 'BONER') was outstanding as a USA based God of Mischief backup evil doer aptly named 'Mini Loki'. GO SEE THIS MOVIE before a real reviewer tears it apart and makes you not want to!

The Man With The 'Soft' Fists Just Didn't Sound Right

The Man With The Iron Fists

Starring:

President Obama
Mitt Romney
Bruce Lee's Ghost
Buddha
George Lucas (special appearance as the 'Crouching Producer, Hidden Fanboy')

Directed by Quentin Tarantula the 3rd

The Plot:

The ghost of Bruce Lee visits Martial Arts Master President Obama and warns him that an evil entity known as 'Romneygeddon' has been resurrected by the Republican Party after an eons-long sleep in a shutdown Mormon Temple's basement to inflict great harm upon his administration UNLESS Master Obama can attack his only known weakness --the Golden Wallet of Avalon.

The Review:

This movie was awful. AWWFULLL!!!!! I wish I could hire a bunch of traveling cheerleaders to shout out how bad this movie was nationwide. I've never seen such a bigger collection of bubble-headed / bobbleheaded movie stars and politician turned actors in my life acting up a minor storm and pretending as if they were doing something relevant or holy at the same time. First the script: right away you know that it wasn't written by Shakespeare or James Joyce when the opening line is -"I'm gonna get you, Sucka!!!" spouted by a shameless President Obama dressed as an aging Martial Arts master (white hair and long white mustache and all!). My first thought (which would've been yours too) is 'how the hell did they get the leader of the Free World to do this film?? After that thought breezes in and out of your mind you've got a choice to make. A. Do I sit here and waste 3 hrs(!) of my life OR should I get up and get that big spicy hot dog that I saw in 7-11 the other day and have been craving ever since'? Hopefully for you, you'll choose to go and eat something -because I didn't and lived to regret it.

As I watched this film (which is full of mindless violence and stupid, odd sexual scenes) I felt my wallet being picked by the director, Quentin T. There was one particular scene which completely boggled the f*ck out of me. Bruce Lee's Ghost was training Master Obama in some deadly Kung Fu stuff when Joe Biden came in talking about a known terrorists being spotted entering the USA by a Canadian border patrol agent. Then Biden acts as if he notices the camera for the first time and rushes out of the scene. Was that real? Did the USA come under a threat while Obama was playing Kung Fu hero?? There's really no way to tell since the lazy ass filmmakers LEFT THE SCENE IN THE FILM. That's not all I saw in this movie that should've been left OUT OF THE FILM: random people walking through entire scenes, in one shot -during a battle no less, a toddler can be seen walking amid several explosions!! I kid you not. It was horrific. I think one of the crew working on the movie must've brought their kid to the set or something and somehow(?) the kid strayed...? Well, I hope that's what happened. Hate to think that the Hollywood exploitation machine has now focused on little kids. Putting them in real or apparent danger just to shock and offend us (and thereby create huge word of mouth advertising for this sick movie).

Anyway to make a long story short, the more I watched of this film the more retarded my brain felt until my subconscious began to take over my body and like a robot made me get up and walk to the door and out of that stupid theater. My whole exit felt surreal as a mother*cker. Like I was sleepwalking. I must've walked about a mile from the theater before my higher self decided to let me go and I collapsed on a sidewalk -half awake, half asleep. So do yourself a favor and skip this 'movie'. Do anything other than watch it --I mean anything. Iron your wife's bra or see how many Twinkies you can stuff up your asshole. ANYTHING would be more entertaining and fulfilling than this.

To The Batcave, Bella!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Original Script Title: 'The Twilight Saga: Marriage Sucks Part 2

Starring

-Robert 'Frankenstein' Pattinson
-Kirsten 'Cheater' Stewart
-Patrick 'Captain Picard' Stewart
-Talyor 'Wolfboy' Lautner
-Joe 'I saved the 2012 Election by acting tough during the V.P. debate' Biden
-Henry 'The Fonz' Winkler
-Angry Vampire Birds

Special appearance by William 'Not The Bald Captain' Shatner as the Vampire Council leader.

The Plot: While screwing the hell out of his cheating ex (or future cheating girlfriend, depending on when this 'movie' was filmed) Kristen Stewart (as 'Bella Swan' --can you pick a more obnoxiously beautiful name?), Robert Pattinson (AKA Edward Cullen) throws out his back and the two lovers head to Rio De Janeiro to seek an ancient vampire chiropractor that charges the lowest rates on Earth. As the pain increases (in his horny crotch as well as his back), Edward (AKA Robert Pattinson the actor) storms into a convenience store and demands a hundred cans of Red Bull to help him feel better. This is broadcast worldwide and the evil, twisted Vampire Union (AKA Vampire Council in the previous films) head to Rio but not explicitly to kill Edwin and Bella, but to engage in some hot sexual adventures with Rio's notoriously arousing brown and golden skinned inhabitants.

The Review
I wanted to give this review my all so I made sure that I didn't watch 'Twilight: Breaking Bread Part 1' OR The movie described above. I felt the only way to review this film COMPLETELY OBJECTIVELY was to NOT watch it at all! And then GUESS at what might happen in the movie itself. This is a certified method of reviewing a movie that the legendary movie reviewer Rodger Ebert approves of 100%. So here goes...

The directing on this film had to be the best thing about it. As I sat in an empty theater pretending to watch 'Twilight: Breaking Heads Part 2' and conversing with a non-existing girlfriend and equally non-existing 'pals' that I 'brought' along I thought that the director should be given an award or something for the exciting visuals and expert pacing of this film. The initial opening scene of the movie --where a shirtless Edward is banging the heck out of Bella is especially interesting. Because apparently Bella is ashamed of her body so much that she refuses to remove her wedding gown for their pre-honeymoon lovemaking. But Edward, the skilled lover that he was, deftly moved around and under the huge gown, guiding his thrust with the skill and ingenuity of a seasoned gigolo! The only thing I found wrong with this scene --or I should say DISTURBING about it was the shot of Taylor 'Wolfy' Lautner peeping at the lovers through their bedroom window. I felt this was an extremely sickening shot and should've been cut out of the film altogether. There was another shot in the movie that needed to be cut out too, that was the shot of President Obama winning the 2012 election. What did this have to do with the damn movie? I hate it when filmmakers include their political views into their movies. Stick the story!! Not politics!

The rest of the movie flowed pretty spectacularly. Picking William Shatner to star as the Vampire Club's leader was an inspired choice. Letting him wear a blood stained Captain Kirk uniform was even more inspiring. The film marketers obviously did their research: Twilight and Star Trek fans are one in the same!! As Edwin got his back worked on by the chiropractor (with Bella anxiously waiting for word on whether or not her manvamp can still have honeymoon sex with her), the Evil Vampire Republican Party descends on Rio and after a wild and certainly triple XXX rated orgy with the city's sex-obsessed inhabitants they pick up the ball and go hunting for Edwin and Bella. This is the only part of the movie that's kind of bad. I was watching this flick with a bunch of imagined teenagers and was scared as hell that the cops would bust in on us all because all that nudity, cursing, and drinking up on the screen should've gotten somebody locked up! But the teens were all giggling and playing peek-a-boo with the screen's action so they really missed half of the raw shots being thrown at us. There was one really old guy in the back row in a long rain coat grinning throughout the film but we all thought that it was probably the director attempting to watch the movie incognito (that's French or Russian for 'disguised') so he can judge the audience reaction to his film objectively.

Anyhoo the film eventually reached a satisfying climax (no pun intended) with Bella having a really ugly baby and trying to throw it out of a window while shouting "MONSTER!!!". But Edwin grabbed the vamp/human child and slapped Bella hard with it for trying kill it. This scene was shot in tedious slow motion, with psychedelic lenses flashing over it all and it made me and about 12 other teens in the audience throw-up our roach spray covered popcorn and hurl our mega-overdose sugary soft drinks (which was good because my large soda had 576 grams of sugar in it per serving and it was big enough to serve 3 people. That means I actually drank 1,728 grams of fucking sugar as I watched this twisted film!!! Now I know I have dia-f*cking-betes and I'm going to sue somebody for it!!

To make a short story longer, this movie was worth the $20.50 I paid for it. The guy outside of the theater said the flick was in 3D and I bought some glasses off of him and a beat up ticket. He ripped me off good but I still enjoyed the film! Go see it today! Or stay home and paint purple dots on you living room wall--I DON'T GIVE A F*CK.

High As Cloud 9 Movie Review

'Cloud Atlas'

Previous Titles: 'Clown Atlas', 'Around The World In 9 Days', 'Atlas Shrugged Again'

Starring:
Tom Hanky-Panky Hanks
Hellish Berry
Captain Crunch
Barney The Dinosaur
The Ringling Brothers
John Dillinger
Baby Face Nelson

The Plot:
A bunch of Hollywood movie producers, still seeking to cash in on the Sci-Fi craze started by 'Star Wars' over 30 years ago, create a freaky sci-fantasy movie so mixed up, so without a shred of logic, that they collectively slit their own throats in front of both family and friends during a private premiere last month.

The Review:
This is a nasty film and I saw it in a nasty, NASTY theater. There were so many roaches and other multi-eyed creeping 30 legged things in there that I spent half the damn movie trying to make sure that they weren't crawling all over me. As I battled all of these filthy creatures in the auditorium ALONE (because nobody else showed up to watch this chaos posing as art) up on the screen, Tom Hanks and Halle Berry were fighting with the awful script they had been tossed a day before filming was to start. First of all let me say that I'm a big Tom Hanks fan. Really BIG--as big as his first big hit called 'BIG' coincidentally! So I'm kind of partial to the large craniumed guy. I let it slide when he kept forgetting his lines during the movie. But Halle Berry, the brown sugar queen herself I cannot forgive. She's supposed to be a class act you know,  helping to get Hollywood to hire more hot black chicks instead of the usual sponge-ugly ones that you see on TV and film. She forgot nearly every line in the damn movie! In one seen she could be seen clearly wiping a tear from her eye as someone off camera shouted something at her that obviously was edited out of the final product.

The Story? What story!!!? Okay, there's something LIKE a story here: Tom Hanks discovers a time machine and takes a journey around the Earth through it's different eras, stopping off and killing all sorts of time in any day that he likes. Trouble is he doesn't like it anywhere for long before he begins to verbally wish to get the hell out of there. In Rome, 43 BC, he flips off Julius Caesar himself! In Paris circa 1885 he screams obscenities at the great sculptor Rodin, challenging him to sculpt "like a real man" and stop busting up chisel after chisel carving out huge jagged figures (the kind Rodin eventually became famous for).

The Soundtrack? WHAT SOUNDTRACK!!!?? This movie was as unbearable to hear as it was to watch with a screeching non-stop 'soundtrack' from that spoiled brat Justine Beiber. "Where'd he get that hairstyle?" was all I could think as he unnecessarily "lip-synced" the instrumental only 'Cloud Atlas' soundtrack (check CNN for his confession). He even bragged about how his lip-syncing of orchestral pieces "sounded better than the actual instruments". GIVE ME A BREAK. By the time the movie ended I was ready to get the fudge out of there and go STEAL me a can of Raid (because I had blown all of the money my aging parents had given me for my birthday on stupid movie theater candy and sh*t.)

To make a long story short, I didn't get a chance to see that much of 'Cloud Atlas' because of the primordial battle I waged with the tiny inhabitants of the theater itself. Bugs all over the damn place. WTF. 'Did the movie attract the bugs or were they already in the theater?' That was the impression that 'Cloud Atlas' left me with. Take a rolled up piece of newspaper with you just in case it was the film that brought the bugs (is my advice).

A Wrong, Wrong, Wrong Brothers Movie Review

Flight

Original script title: 'Flight Club'

The Cast of 'Flight':

-Denzel Washington (as the Black Captain Sully)
-Starscream (as the Transformer)
-Peter Pan (as the singing copilot)
-Neil Armstrong (as the deceased passenger)
-The Wright Brothers (as the inventors of flight)
-The Wrong Sisters (as the incestuous neighbors of the Wright Bros).
-Birdman as The Superhero

The Plot:

Denzel Washington stars as himself: an aging breakfast, lunch and dinner skipping, broken bottle and crushed soda can collecting out of work formerly big movie star actor, with another shot at making a decent check when he applies for a job as a cross country motorcycle helmet transporter (there's a gig for everything you know). Only the job is a front for a declining airline company that turns truckers into pilots with only 2.5 days of training in order for it to save money.

The Review

Everybody's saying that this movie is "incredible" to witness, that it's like "a religious experience", so I just had to check out this film. But being a seasoned film reviewer I smartly LOWERED my expectations due to all of the hype surrounding it and to my astonishment the film really did live up to all of the good things that were said about it. It was incredible, the way that in the first few scenes Denzel's character 'The Pilot' is established. The film opens up with The Pilot stocking a basement cellar full of hard liquor as if the f*cking end of the world had been announced on TV. I've never seen so much liquor on the silver screen in my life. Then Denzel (AKA the Pilot) grabs a crate full of booze and runs out of the house to his awaiting semi-trailer. He tosses the booze into the passenger's seat and guns the engine, immediately driving the truck into reverse instead of forward (having apparently hit the wrong gear) and crushing a 'Smart Car' (you know those tiny, $10,000 rip-off 4 wheel golf carts posing as automobiles). Anyway, right away I KNEW WHO THIS CHARACTER WAS. That's professional script writing for you!

The production values of this film were a 'religious experience' itself. After Denzel's character 'The Pilot' finishes his 2.5 days of pilot training and is given a planeload of people (over 400 souls!) to fly to Hawaii, both of Denzel's plane's engines EXPLODE and rip to shred his wings. The rear tail of the plane falls down into the Grand Canyon (an incredibly beautiful, heaven-like shot) and Denzel has to FLY THE PLANE WITHOUT WINGS OR A TAIL THOUSANDS OF MILES TO HAWAII WITH HALF OF IT'S ORIGINAL PASSENGERS AND (get this) UPSIDE DOWN!!! It's a hellish scene so mindbogglingly realistic that the female Denzel fans in the audience actually thought that the Big Handsome President Obama Rival had bought it! They began to scream, "Oh, Denzel!!! They killa hum fo da movie!!!" (these were some of his ghetto fans). I had to get out of my seat and slap the shit back into those ladies in order to get them to realize that Denzel survived the explosion.

So you CAN believe all of the hoopla and hype around this incredible movie. It lived up to--no, it EXCEEDED my expectations because I originally thought that the movie was about the 1960's-1970's 'white flight' out of the cities after the blacks began to move in. In fact there is a romantic-like scene (I guess!) in the movie where Denzel is depressed / drunk and a couple of hot white stewardesses began to massage him for an awfully long time. Made me and the rest of the moviegoers a bit uncomfortable watching it. GO SEE 'FLIGHT' YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGING MOVIE APES!!! DON'T YOU WANT TO EVOLVE?? GO SEE A REAL MOVIE FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF ALL THAT MADE FOR TV CRAP THAT'S BEING TOSSED ONTO THE BIG SCREEN AS IF!!! I give this movie 5 out of 5 Smoking Planes (so you know it's good!)

Super serious movie review!

The Avengers

Oh, God---!!! OH MY GODDD!! DOUBLE OOMMGG!! I saw "The Avengers" last night, the latest superhero flick from Marvel Comics and I must say it was ultrafantasticmagnificentstunning!!! I watched it with a bunch of other over-enthusiastic nerdy-boys and girls who kept getting up to rush to the restroom because their excitement was a bit too high. In fact people were pissing on themselves everywhere in the theater and it almost ruined the film for me! During the most amazing scenes ushers were moving through the aisles, mopping up urine and throwing down newspapers as if there were a bunch of dogs in the audience instead of us comic book fans. But after a while I just stood on my chair and cheered as Iron Man, The Hulk, Captain America, The Trix Rabbit, and Cindy Brady (from "The Brady Bunch" classic TV show--yes, now she's a Marvel superhero!) battled the evil forces of Loki and Asgard!!!!! To further complicate my viewing pleasure I was unable to prevent myself from bursting into tears at Scarlett Johansson's gorgeous sexy rendition of the Black Widow! My Scarlett induced excitement made me burn enormous amounts of energy so I tore through my popcorn and soda like a starving cheetah attacking a baby deer on the plains of Africa.Then I began to steal handfuls of grub from the movie screen transfixed audience members around me. I ate other people's Goobers, Raisinettes, Twizzlers, etc. all because they couldn't keep their big fan-boy / fan-girl eyes off of Captain America's muscles. I ate so much that I hurled a stream of concession vomit at the movie screen and caused them to shut down the film! But the fans demanded they keep playing the film even with my huge vomit stain on the screen so the theater obliged them! Fans --you gotta love 'em! So go see this flick even if you don't have any money. Beg and tell the theater all sorts of lies to get in! If that doesn't work drill a hole in the side of the theater from the outside (an "Avengers peephole") and pull up a lawn chair! Whatever you do, don't miss this important moment in Hollywood history, you anchor headed, silly review reading fried chicken neck losers!