Safe

Warning! This is not a review. It's a  to-do list!Gonna take in two possible stupid films tonight: "The Raven" and "Safe". One's a murder-mystery thing involving Edgar Allen Poe being set up for murders or something, the other is, well, it's got Jason Statham in it so I guess you know what's that's gonna be about (hint: a high body count plus a couple of deafening explosions, PLUS about 2 females in the audience -the rest hard tough males aching for a life of action-adventure.) Anyway I anticipate a GREAT F*CKING EVENING alone with myself (as usual). I would call a couple of chicks to see if they wanted to ESCORT me to the theater (haha-hehe) but lately (OK, the last 10 years), all I've been getting from the fairer sex is a pack of "No's" and a swift kick in the ass. Perhaps I can sneak my half a blow-up doll into the theater with me (you know what half I'm talking about..!) but that half doesn't have eyes so I'd look kind of suspicious sitting in the theaters with my fist clenched and my feet tapping or stomping (if you prefer) to a hard rocking sound track as Jason S. beat the living daylights out of a couple (or army) of bad guys, next to a plastic replica of the female pelvic area (!). I know disgustingly pathetic but you're still reading this aren't you (you perv!). Hahaha. Well anyway I suppose if the film is bad enough I can always disrobe (that's a fancy word for take off my clothes) and get down to some nitty-gritty action right there in the theater seats! Hell yeah! That sounds like some fun! Hahaha. I'd better censor this horrible description of a typical evening for me from my female friends so that they don't prejudge me and de-friend me or something. Nah! I think I'll let it ride to see who abandons the Silly Movie Reviews (TRADEMARK) ship and who's a true friend of such a disgusting middle aged loser that I am. Any females still around after I post this I commend you! YOU, my friends, are truly open minded and are fantastic fellow Americans wherever you call home (free speech and all that, you know!)

 The Lucky One

I was unlucky enough to see Zack Efron's latest attempt at becoming a movie star, 'The Lucky One'. A movie so devoid of drama, so lacking in meaning, that my bag of Doritos that I smuggled into the theater was the only thing keeping me from passing out altogether. It was a stupid, contrived, and wholly unnecessary film with pathetic attempts by the actors to save it's useless script. At the end of  the film I stood up and shook my fist at the screen, I was so f*cking angry. Then I went and got me another bag of Doritos to salvage a ruined evening. Don't be a fool! Avoid 'The Lucky One'. If your car crashes into a theater while that bullshit is playing and you survive the accident, get out of your car and cover up your eyes and ears and head back through the hole that your car entered through immediately! It's awful. It's like they gave a bunch of 2nd graders expensive movie equipment for a weekend or something.

The 'WTF' Movie of the Decade

Prometheus
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Opening Date: June 8th, 2012

Starring
-Ridely Scott as Himself
-Woody Allen as Himself
-Francis Coppola staring Himself
-George Lucas as Himself
-Thor
-Iron Man
-The Hulk
-and the rest of the cast form Marvel's upcoming super hero team movie, "The Avengers".

The Plot
The great director Ridely Scott, he who created such daunting American classic films such as 'Alien', 'Bladerunner', and "Axe Murderer Diaries" returns to the silver screen with a documentary about his backyard barbecuing experiences with the new, top of the line outdoor grill named 'Prometheus" (for sale at at you local Target or Kmart stores.)

The Review:
First of all, the promotional campaign for this film was 100% deceptive. It advertised 'Prometheus' as a sequel to Ridely Scott's 1980's sci-fi classic, 'Alien'. But in all truth there's not a single alien or space ship in this film except the special effects models sitting over the director's fireplace. Instead this film shows director Ridely Scott showing off his new Prometheus Barbecue Pit to some of Hollywood's biggest directors. From Woody Allen to George Lucas, they all stop by to taste some of Ridely's home cooking and then stare and gaze with complete amazement at the polished black surface of the Prometheus.

Now I have to admit it, the new Prometheus barbecue grill is a super sexy vision of beauty, but to try and sell it as a sequel to 'Alien' borders (crosses?) on criminal behavior of the highest kind. I like barbecue just like the next man but I'll be damned if someone is going to charge me $12.00 a ticket to watch a bunch of famous old directors consuming (sloppily), huge fresh cooked ribs, chicken, and who knows what else. And to sit there watching people eating barbecue while I and the rest of the audience ate stale popcorn and dried out "Twizzlers" was sheer torture. After about an hour of that nonsense I had to run out of the theater and locate me a barbecue-selling shop fast.

The directing on this film was preposterous to say the least. As that fat headed, ego-centric Ridely Scott cooked his ribs he simultaneously tried to film the entire party around him, dropping his camera up to 10 times in the process. Then he would stand up and turn the camera towards himself while grinning like Lucifer on weed. The location standards were poor too. The entire barbecuing scene took place in some lousy, cheap to rent backyard of somebody's ghetto home. I could've sworn I heard gunshot over that stupid Woody Allen who chomped and smacked his lips so loudly that you could barely hear the soundtrack and background noise on the film itself.

Over all, this was a bad, bad flick. But it did have at least one redeeming quality and it was in the scene where Ridely Scott chews out George Lucas. He called George Lucas a "film school level director with half stolen, half twisted stories" plus a traffic ticket backlog of cases going back 35 years! By outing Ol' George he immediately became the leader of the fledgeling anti-Star Wars movement.

Conclusion: Go see this retarded, incredibly stupid movie but don't expect much except a bunch of bad acting and way too dumb dialog.

He's 20 stories high and without a good script to justify it.

 Man on a Ledge

Original script title: "The Life and Death of a Facebook Employee"

Release Date: January 27, 2012

Desired Release Date: Election Day, 2012

DVD Release Date: January 26, 2012 (just in case it bombs at the theater the next day -which it most certainly will.)

Starring (in order of worthiness)

-Elizabeth Banks (the real reason to see this movie)
-Ridley Scott (the famed director, in his first acting gig ever)
-Sam Worthington (still searching for a career)
-Anthony Mackie (playing the wise black man advising the desperate white man. See any Will Smith movie to know what I mean)
-Stan Lee
-Jack Kirby
-Neal Adams
-Charles Schultz
- And a bunch of other actors, including (grandpa) Ed Harris, who aren't worth mentioning.

Special Note: All stunts in this film were performed by that loon, Tom Cruise, who actually climbed the world's tallest skyscraper in "Mission Impossible; Ghost Protocol" just to stay within the public's eye (he knows his days as an action hero are practically over!)

The Plot
An Facebook employee threatens to jump off of the world's tallest office building because his boss, Mark Zuckerberg (played to perfection by famed director Ridley Scott -his first acting role!), demands that he uses Facebook's new Timeline app on his profile page. As a crowd full of Myspace and Google Plus employees shout "JUMP!" a disturbed police psychologist sent to talk the man down instead joins the man on the ledge -threatening the world below with a double loser splat!

The Review

First of all, I didn't even want to see this nutty movie! I sent my dog to the movie theater to buy me tickets to "Underworld Part 4" starring that fine as white girl, Kate Beckinsale. But along the way he met some people attending a "free secret movie premiere" and he figured I'd enjoy that better. By the time he returned with the free tickets the last showing of Underworld was sold out and I was sh*t out of luck. Stupid f*cking dogs! I should've sent my cat to pick up my ticktets, I hear that they're way smarter animals.

The movie opens up with Sam Worthington's character, Nick, taking a dump inside a Facebook restroom stall when Ridley Scott's Mark Zuckerberg kicks open the stall door and throws a laptop into Nick's lap which displays Nick's Facebook page (which still doesn't have the new Timeline interface on it). Then Mark Zuckerberg grabs Nick and (with his pants down around his ankle), berates him on why Timeline is crucial to Facebook defeating Google Plus and the newly revived Myspace. By the time Mark's tirade is over, poor Nick is a sobbing nervous wreck. With his pants still down around his ankles he climbs out of an open window inside Facebook's towering New York headquarters and threatens to jump! This entire sequence was played expertly by the up and coming Sam Worthington who worked perfectly with the big director turned actor, Ridley Scott. As the two men argued and fought one could get a sense that something great was being created -that is until the amateur director, Asger Leth, unnecessarily and continuously kept showing us Sam Worthington's pants which were draped around his ankles! What was that all about? Was it some sort of obscure, French or German, cinematic method? After all of these shots of a man's pants around his ankles I strangely began to get hungry for some movie food -so I can't review what immediately happened after Sam Worthington's character, Nick climbed onto the ledge.

By the time I came back from concession (there was an exceptionally long line of men) the scene up on the screen had changed dramatically. On the ledge with Sam Worthington was that fine ass Elizabeth Banks playing a police crisis detective and a bunch of failed Republican Presidential candidates! I saw Herman Cain, John McCain and the really old Bob Dole all preparing to jump 90 stories to their certain deaths. Now the crowd below had gotten even bigger. Lots of Obama supporters were shouting "Jump, Motherfuckers!" while trying to fend off a crowd of Republican supporters who were shouting, "Obama should be up there! The economy sucks under his leadership and we've got illegal aliens up our asses!"

Despite all of this way too convincing hostility the production values of the film were stupendous. All of the buildings in the scene looked quite real and the sky too was really, really rendered correctly. I swear that today's computer generated special effects (CGI for all of you nerds) are practically flawless. In one shot a bunch of cars stopped at a street light and all of the people leaned out of their autos and looked skyward, waiting for Mr. Worthington to take his great leap. This scene could've been easily shot on a real city street but the production crew valued the highly expensive CGI version better and so they created it using digital technology. A wise decision because that street corner looked more real than real when it was finished.

The script was top notch. It had all of the bells and whistles of a professional one without being bothered with stuff like character development or pacing. It was one of the best scripts I had ever seen or should I say "heard". The writer was Sesame Street scribe Alfonso Duarte who had begged his boss at Sesame Street for time off to write "Gone With The Wind at 20 Stories" (the script's original title.) His boss flat out rejected the idea of his top writer for Big Bird and Ernie and The Count skip out on his ironclad contract to work for others. But Mr. Duarte was determined to write for the silver screen and told the head of Sesame Street to "eat his underwear" and he quit! 2 days later the script for "Man on a Ledge" was finished and emailed to Disney(?) and the rest is wannabe history.

All in all this movie was a better watch than any of the Star Wars films or that Godfather nonsense. It's on the level with that spectacular movie, "Skyline" that roared into the theater a couple of years ago, changing lives forever. Go see this film, you fucktard, and tell the ushers to go and get you your food if you get there late, while you sit your fat ass down. A lot of people don't utilize this service as much as they should.. Ushers are like waiters you know.

Criminal Movie Review!

Contraband

Release Date: January 13, 2012

Desired Release Date: Scarface's birthday

Starring (in reverse order of importance)

-Dopey Drake -The garbage man
-Alice Sogood - The Maid
-John Hauler - The Bus Driver
-Lukas Haas as The Up and Coming Actor
-Giovanni Ribisi as the Treacherous BFF
-Kate Beckinsale as the Hottest Wife
-Mark Wahlberg as Mr. Six Pack (have you seen this guy's abs! Check out the film "Shooter"!)
-George Lucas as Himself (thanks for the first 2 Star Wars films, good Sir! Awesome stuff.)
-God as Himself / Itself (thanks, literally for EVERYTHING.)

Behind the Scenes:

Produced by: A bunch of African drug lords
Filmed in: The Congo
Smuggled into the USA by: Ace Smugglers Inc.
Pursued by: The CIA
Captured in: Downtown Hollywood

Plot Summary

Mark Wahlberg stars as a down and out infomercial actor named Jimi Johnson who returns to a life of smuggling when sales for his incredible abdomen workout device, the "Flex-American" drop like a pack of cocain into the toilet during a drug raid in the 'hood. During his return to the underworld Jimi screws up big time and he and his pals are marked for death by the latest crime lord goon, Mr. Waybig (played superbly by surprise guest star, Christopher Walken!). Jimi must replace the drugs or the money that the drugs were worth or his wife, Bootsie (played astutely by the always stunning Kate Beckinsale) runs off with Mr. Waybig like she's promised to do ever since they were married (over 14 years ago).

The Review

This movie was a top-flight production from beginning to end. First, let me talk about the incredibly authentic wardrobe that the super couple (Mark and Kate) wore throughout the film. Mark's "dirty criminal" T-shirts and tank tops looked extremely authentic. In fact they looked TOO authentic. They had all sorts of food stains on them and massive dirt "slaps" (like a DWP worker had just climbed out of a street hole and ran right into Mark, grabbing him with his dirty paws and then suddenly realizing who he was, began to hug him with his super dirty uniform pressed up against Mark's ultra white T-shirt). Mark's jeans were very convincing too. They had graffiti written on them, such is the current underworld jean style. And there were a couple of bullet holes in the behind area of the jeans. As if some criminal had been popped a couple of times by some dirty (L.A.) cops.

Kate Beckinsale's wardrobe was on the verge of being x-rated! She wore leather throughout the film, as if the producers wanted to make sure that the male element in the audience took note that this was not an ordinary beauty, but a wild woman, worthy of the average whopping $12.00 movie theater ticket price. Looking like a dominatrix from one of her "Underworld" films, Kate strutted around in a leather jumpsuit, whip wrapped around her waist in a sexy-sort of manner. When she spoke her lips curled up (think Elvis) which made you realize what a great actress she really was (doing Elvis is hard I hear).

Besides the wardrobe other things in this film were just far beyond the usual sh*tty quality of a Hollywood film. During the action sequence I could swear that people were being hit and / or shot for real! After the film I checked the morgue to see if my theory was correct; and sure enough! At least 25 actors had been killed on March 3, 2011, the same day that "Contraband" started filming! Appalled at this knowledge I then decided NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL and go to sleep. Like I said, these were top-notch action sequences. In one scene Mark is on a three-way phone call arguing with his super rude mother-in-law, the drug lord out to kill him, and the landlord who was demanding rent from Mark. Suddenly, Mark just slammed the telephone on a counter, busting it up into a million pieces. Then he hurled it towards an open window as his sexy wife (the lovely Kate Beckinsale) stood up from gardening. The phone smashed against Kate's head (stunt woman?) and she killed-over like she had been Tasered by an off-duty cop or something. This action sequence was so astounding that I turned to a couple of children (playing grade school hooky I presume) and asked them if they thought that the aforementioned action sequence was computer generated or live acted. They just shrugged their shoulders and giggled at me.

In fact there were easily about 2 dozen knock-down-drag-it-out fights in this film. And so much ammunition was being fired that I called the U.S. government to make sure that the filmmaker's weren't running through the USA's armed forces supplies, leaving us vulnerable to a possible invasion!

All in all, "Contraband" was an exciting waste of my time. I had plenty of other things to do that day, like taking my chemo for my brain tumor, but I put that and other things off so I could just have a good time. What I would really like to see is a sequel to this film! Maybe if it does well then wel'll get it. So here's hoping that Mark can pull it off. Let's hope that he has the acting chops to bring in the big money!

Absurd Movie Review!

Beauty and the Beast 3D

(Yes, that's right! In 3 freakin' D!!!)

Opening Date: Whenever.

DVD Date: Check your local DVD pirate. He's probably got it right now.

Starring:

A bunch of cartoons without any real existence beyond the distorted, perverted imaginations of the geeks that illustrate them. Now that these images are in 3D we'll be able to see what these sex-starved "artists" really think of Beauty. Will her breast protrude into the face of the viewer? Will the Beast's crotch bulge too far out of the movie screen? Oh, this appears to be a bad mistake on Disney's part, now that I think of it. Making a love story in 3D for what will be an audience consisting of children mainly.

The Plot

A young cartoon girl with aspirations of becoming a top corporate executive finds her dreams shattered in half (3/4ths?) by an evil Disney corporate executive bent on maintaining his iron-hard grip on the Walt Disney Kingdom. He employs a hideous beast to kidnap the girl and hold her captive inside of his wicked castle. But the evil executive's plan goes awry when the Beast and the beauty named Beauty fall head over hoofs in love.

The Review

Bravo, Walt Disney company! Bravo! This was a film of inconceivable quality and veracity (a fancy word for honesty). Finally we get to see just how evil and corrupt the Walt Disney company really is. For years they've been enslaving animators and their creations, forcing them to work ridiculous 24 / 8 days, feeding them grade school quality meals (a little bit below Federal prison meal standards) and then kicking them to the curb after they've made 50 billion dollars per film.

The villain in this film, a character by the name of 'Dark Disney', who looks just like Walt Disney but with red skin and a hideous constant grin, savagely kills the entire animation staff after it designed the character Beauty during the first 20 minutes of the film. It's a 3D blood bath that few members of the audience will ever, ever forget. But the gorgeously drawn, super hot cartoon Beauty escapes and for a little while is free to sing ABBA songs in a lovely illustrated forest. Eventually though she meets the grimmest fate of all -she is found and kidnapped by the horrific Beast! Aided by a couple of lacivious trees, who's creepy branches grab and "feel up" (!) Beauty. A shocking display of twisted sexuality in film by the Walt Disney company, but entertaining enough for many people to forgive them.

Let me digress: Some of these movie themes are decidedly adult in nature -kidnapping, massacres, lusty big beast chasing thin, barely over the legal drinking age young women-they are too overtly portrayed, it's all cleverly done with tasteful cutting and choosy camera angles. No child in the audience ever screamed while I was watching it, they just giggled a lot. Especially when the animators are savagely destroyed by the Beast. That scene alone made at least 3 parents faint and brought the theater manager to a hysterical level as the tried to shut down the film but couldn't because the psychotic projectionist had locked himself inside of the booth and wouldn't open the door up for anyone (doing drugs up there...?).

Once one gets past the unexpected "animated" gore and sex organs that hurls at the screen in 3D, one can appreciate some of the finer aspects of the film. When Beauty is held captive in a castle dungeon, her head covered in a hood while being guarded by what looked like Iraqi soldiers, she sings a song so lovely that even though it was muted by the heavy hood over her head, it nearly brought me to tears. There are moments like these consisting of sheer beauty -violently juxtaposed with the environment of an Iraqi cell block -that remind everyone what built the Walt Disney company into the micromanaged, unoriginal crap spitting dragon that needed to buy it's rival Pixar in order to stay in the game.

The love scenes in the film are second to none. I was surprised at the level of their eroticism. The scenes where Beauty humps the Beast is downright Valley porn level stuff! Several mothers who were still conscious grabbed their children and dragged them out of the theater. Especially when Beauty accidentally bit the Beast huge tool and the Beast screamed out, "RROWW! You little beastess! You know that's how I like it!" I have to admit that even I got uncomfortable during these perverted animated scenes but not for the same reason that the offended parents did. I had on some very tight pants and getting aroused in them caused me excruciating pain.

There are many reasons why this film should be watched, and many more reasons to avoid it. But I think that people all over are smart enough to decide whether the 3D effects, violence, and patently brazen sexuality of this movie is enough to not watch it. But personally I highly recommend it, so go check it out. Just make sure that you bring a lover or something because after you see it in life-like 3D you're gonna be so hot and heavy that you'll want some immediate 4D action.

Brain Melting Movie Review!

The Divide

Original script title: "Cannibal Shelter"

Starring: A bunch of C-list actors and some totally unknowns who get killed off so fast they were probably paid in cash instead of checks in order to make their visit to the movie set worth their while.

Special guest appearances by the ghosts of Alex Toth, Jack Kirby, and Charles Shultz! Why they appeared in this film I don't know but being a conosueirre of comic book art I thought it was awesome.

The Plot Summary

A rogue Bollywood director with issues against Hollywood invest his billions of dollars into turning his 300 + 7-11 locations into nuclear bomb silos capable launching missiles at any location in the world (which he does or else we'd have no story). As the world's citizens lay dead and dying only a few people manage to survive. This is their story.

The Review

Most of this movie takes place inside of a darkened bomb shelter. 8 survivors (4 studly young men and 4 super hot young women) huddle together trying to decide if they should go out into the radioactive wasteland, no doubt populated by flesh eating zombies or something, or stay inside the bomb shelter which is well equipped with food, plasma TV screens, a jacuzzi, and a snack bar. PLUS adjustable beds, a large collection of erotic films, and a sophisticated STD detection and prevention device that was previously owned by Hugh Hefner. AND an automatic pizza creation device built from space alien knowledge garnered at the military's mysterious Area 51.

After the teens decide to stay the End of the World party really gets a-bumpin'! It's almost 2 hours of wild teen drinking, making out, and pizza dining as the director performs a no-holds barred style of telling an end of the world story. These teens realize that they may never see the surface world again so they decide to "Exit partying."

Although the party-loving actions of skimpy dressed male and female teens is enough to hold you know who's attention, the director is conscious enough to cut between scenes of devastation death on the surface of the Earth and back to the party obsessed teens living in the bomb shelter. Thank goodness he only cut back and forth a few times because seeing those images of the unfortunate schmucks (99.9% of the world) contrasted with the bright smiles and go-go happiness of the bomb shelter teens was beginning to make me feel something like pity for the above-earthers. But once this annoying back and forth cutting stopped It just a good time afterwards in the bomb shelter.

Now not everything was rosy in the bomb shelter. There were fights over how much mayo one of the character liked on his sandwich, which bed was most comfortable; basically spats like any group of roommates would engage in. By the middle of the film there was not talk of rescue at all, just on how they could make their good time last forever.

Michael Bein (of Terminator part 1 fame) makes a strained appearance in this movie as a zombie trying to claw his way into the underground bomb shelter but you can barely recognize him through all of the dirt and zombie makeup on his face. Can you say , "wasted talent"? I'm not because I don't think Mr. Bein has ANY talent. He's just good at running and saying, "He's a TERMINATOR. He'll find us. That's all he does. THAT'S ALL HE DOES."

This movie probably had a decent amount of production values, etc. but because of the setting (inside of a dark bomb shelter) it's hard to tell. The destruction on the surface world above was done in a cheap manner. The filmmakers just drove through the ghettos of America, filming all of the delipitated apartment buildings, dirty city rivers, etc. which conveyed a good sense of the end of the world without the use of fancy-smancy special effects.

I recommend seeing this film. It's good, well acted, and won't cause you problems after it is over because there's nothing to think about once the end credits finish rolling up and the lights come on. Best kind of movie, I guess. A non-thinker.