Absurd Movie Review!

Beauty and the Beast 3D

(Yes, that's right! In 3 freakin' D!!!)

Opening Date: Whenever.

DVD Date: Check your local DVD pirate. He's probably got it right now.

Starring:

A bunch of cartoons without any real existence beyond the distorted, perverted imaginations of the geeks that illustrate them. Now that these images are in 3D we'll be able to see what these sex-starved "artists" really think of Beauty. Will her breast protrude into the face of the viewer? Will the Beast's crotch bulge too far out of the movie screen? Oh, this appears to be a bad mistake on Disney's part, now that I think of it. Making a love story in 3D for what will be an audience consisting of children mainly.

The Plot

A young cartoon girl with aspirations of becoming a top corporate executive finds her dreams shattered in half (3/4ths?) by an evil Disney corporate executive bent on maintaining his iron-hard grip on the Walt Disney Kingdom. He employs a hideous beast to kidnap the girl and hold her captive inside of his wicked castle. But the evil executive's plan goes awry when the Beast and the beauty named Beauty fall head over hoofs in love.

The Review

Bravo, Walt Disney company! Bravo! This was a film of inconceivable quality and veracity (a fancy word for honesty). Finally we get to see just how evil and corrupt the Walt Disney company really is. For years they've been enslaving animators and their creations, forcing them to work ridiculous 24 / 8 days, feeding them grade school quality meals (a little bit below Federal prison meal standards) and then kicking them to the curb after they've made 50 billion dollars per film.

The villain in this film, a character by the name of 'Dark Disney', who looks just like Walt Disney but with red skin and a hideous constant grin, savagely kills the entire animation staff after it designed the character Beauty during the first 20 minutes of the film. It's a 3D blood bath that few members of the audience will ever, ever forget. But the gorgeously drawn, super hot cartoon Beauty escapes and for a little while is free to sing ABBA songs in a lovely illustrated forest. Eventually though she meets the grimmest fate of all -she is found and kidnapped by the horrific Beast! Aided by a couple of lacivious trees, who's creepy branches grab and "feel up" (!) Beauty. A shocking display of twisted sexuality in film by the Walt Disney company, but entertaining enough for many people to forgive them.

Let me digress: Some of these movie themes are decidedly adult in nature -kidnapping, massacres, lusty big beast chasing thin, barely over the legal drinking age young women-they are too overtly portrayed, it's all cleverly done with tasteful cutting and choosy camera angles. No child in the audience ever screamed while I was watching it, they just giggled a lot. Especially when the animators are savagely destroyed by the Beast. That scene alone made at least 3 parents faint and brought the theater manager to a hysterical level as the tried to shut down the film but couldn't because the psychotic projectionist had locked himself inside of the booth and wouldn't open the door up for anyone (doing drugs up there...?).

Once one gets past the unexpected "animated" gore and sex organs that hurls at the screen in 3D, one can appreciate some of the finer aspects of the film. When Beauty is held captive in a castle dungeon, her head covered in a hood while being guarded by what looked like Iraqi soldiers, she sings a song so lovely that even though it was muted by the heavy hood over her head, it nearly brought me to tears. There are moments like these consisting of sheer beauty -violently juxtaposed with the environment of an Iraqi cell block -that remind everyone what built the Walt Disney company into the micromanaged, unoriginal crap spitting dragon that needed to buy it's rival Pixar in order to stay in the game.

The love scenes in the film are second to none. I was surprised at the level of their eroticism. The scenes where Beauty humps the Beast is downright Valley porn level stuff! Several mothers who were still conscious grabbed their children and dragged them out of the theater. Especially when Beauty accidentally bit the Beast huge tool and the Beast screamed out, "RROWW! You little beastess! You know that's how I like it!" I have to admit that even I got uncomfortable during these perverted animated scenes but not for the same reason that the offended parents did. I had on some very tight pants and getting aroused in them caused me excruciating pain.

There are many reasons why this film should be watched, and many more reasons to avoid it. But I think that people all over are smart enough to decide whether the 3D effects, violence, and patently brazen sexuality of this movie is enough to not watch it. But personally I highly recommend it, so go check it out. Just make sure that you bring a lover or something because after you see it in life-like 3D you're gonna be so hot and heavy that you'll want some immediate 4D action.