Brain Melting Movie Review!

The Divide

Original script title: "Cannibal Shelter"

Starring: A bunch of C-list actors and some totally unknowns who get killed off so fast they were probably paid in cash instead of checks in order to make their visit to the movie set worth their while.

Special guest appearances by the ghosts of Alex Toth, Jack Kirby, and Charles Shultz! Why they appeared in this film I don't know but being a conosueirre of comic book art I thought it was awesome.

The Plot Summary

A rogue Bollywood director with issues against Hollywood invest his billions of dollars into turning his 300 + 7-11 locations into nuclear bomb silos capable launching missiles at any location in the world (which he does or else we'd have no story). As the world's citizens lay dead and dying only a few people manage to survive. This is their story.

The Review

Most of this movie takes place inside of a darkened bomb shelter. 8 survivors (4 studly young men and 4 super hot young women) huddle together trying to decide if they should go out into the radioactive wasteland, no doubt populated by flesh eating zombies or something, or stay inside the bomb shelter which is well equipped with food, plasma TV screens, a jacuzzi, and a snack bar. PLUS adjustable beds, a large collection of erotic films, and a sophisticated STD detection and prevention device that was previously owned by Hugh Hefner. AND an automatic pizza creation device built from space alien knowledge garnered at the military's mysterious Area 51.

After the teens decide to stay the End of the World party really gets a-bumpin'! It's almost 2 hours of wild teen drinking, making out, and pizza dining as the director performs a no-holds barred style of telling an end of the world story. These teens realize that they may never see the surface world again so they decide to "Exit partying."

Although the party-loving actions of skimpy dressed male and female teens is enough to hold you know who's attention, the director is conscious enough to cut between scenes of devastation death on the surface of the Earth and back to the party obsessed teens living in the bomb shelter. Thank goodness he only cut back and forth a few times because seeing those images of the unfortunate schmucks (99.9% of the world) contrasted with the bright smiles and go-go happiness of the bomb shelter teens was beginning to make me feel something like pity for the above-earthers. But once this annoying back and forth cutting stopped It just a good time afterwards in the bomb shelter.

Now not everything was rosy in the bomb shelter. There were fights over how much mayo one of the character liked on his sandwich, which bed was most comfortable; basically spats like any group of roommates would engage in. By the middle of the film there was not talk of rescue at all, just on how they could make their good time last forever.

Michael Bein (of Terminator part 1 fame) makes a strained appearance in this movie as a zombie trying to claw his way into the underground bomb shelter but you can barely recognize him through all of the dirt and zombie makeup on his face. Can you say , "wasted talent"? I'm not because I don't think Mr. Bein has ANY talent. He's just good at running and saying, "He's a TERMINATOR. He'll find us. That's all he does. THAT'S ALL HE DOES."

This movie probably had a decent amount of production values, etc. but because of the setting (inside of a dark bomb shelter) it's hard to tell. The destruction on the surface world above was done in a cheap manner. The filmmakers just drove through the ghettos of America, filming all of the delipitated apartment buildings, dirty city rivers, etc. which conveyed a good sense of the end of the world without the use of fancy-smancy special effects.

I recommend seeing this film. It's good, well acted, and won't cause you problems after it is over because there's nothing to think about once the end credits finish rolling up and the lights come on. Best kind of movie, I guess. A non-thinker.