Captain America
Opening Date: ????
DVD Date: Two days before the Opening Date for certain.
Overview: Yet another mothefucking super hero film. This one has the legendary super hero Captain America in it. Running around as if there wasn't a camera and a film crew filming his fake ass antics. And to make matters worse the Hollywood knuckleheads that put together this "film" managed to destroy his cool patriotic costume and replace it with what looks to me to be a lumberjack uniform. Someone said that it was a parachuter's uniform but don't they take all that shit off after the jump? Captain America doesn't. He must think it's the current style or something which could be the case since the film is set in the 1940's during World War 2.
Starring: Chris "I'm the Human Torch Too" Evans, Adolf Hitler Jr. as "Adolf Hitler Senior.", Matt Damon as "Bucky", Elvira as "The Red Skull", The Green Bay Packers as the evil organizaton known as "Hydra".
Special narration by President Obama
Stunts by: The Harlem Globetrotters
The Plot: A scrawny toothpick of a boy with the super-imposed head of Chris Evans wants to contribute to the "Better Late Than Never" war effort of the United States during World War 2. Once the bag of bones is enlisted he finds himself drawn into (no pun intended because this was a comic book) a secret government experiment to force feed a U.S. soldier a year's worth of vegetables all at once in the hope that it will make him super strong, incredibly agile, and able to make love to a woman for days without ejaculation. And guess what? It worked!
The Silly Review
If there was one word to describe the feeling I have for this film it would have to be "WHODOIHAVETOFINGERFUCKTOGETMYMONEYBACK?" The problems of this film began in the pre-production stage when a couple or more rich bozos got together and decided make a CAPTAIN AMERICA movie but change his world reknown costume! Once this "decision" was made, no doubt between bouts of alcohol consumption and heavy cocain usage, the movie was all but destined to be a fake, unfaithful and unflattering potrayel of the patriotic legendary comic book character.
The first scene of the film is like a microcosm of the entire film. It shows a young, malnurished to third world levels Steve Rogers stealing food from the local bakery and food stands. He's beat up by the food stand owner's fat and well fed sons who then feel sorry for breaking nearly every bone in the young thief's body. So they recommend that he join the Army or Marines or whatever to toughen him up. How the hell did this kid pass the entry examine is beyond me because I became severely distracted by a sudden flood of memories of that ridiculous "Parachuting Captain America" image on the poster outside of the theater. It made me storm outside to take another look at it just to be certain that I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't. There he was in that stupid parachuting costume with some sort of weird leather "helmet" on. He looked like a serial killer that parachutes down onto his victims.
Well after the first few scenes of this film and after the "death is near" look of Stever Rogers is replaced by the "Parachuting Serial Killer" Captain America look I was beginning to wish for the closing credits to show up and save me from this debacle of film making. But that didn't happen. I busied myself with looking around the auidence to see who besides us film critics would even begin to pay to see this junk. What I saw nearly knocked me out of my seat. I saw Iron Man sitting a few seats down from me, with his arm around guess who? Wonder Woman! And that jerk kicking the back of my seat? Well I finally turned around and took a good look at him and found out that it was fucking Batman! Up ahead of me was seated Spiderman, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four, in fact the whole theater was full of freaking super heroes! But where was Superman, the greatest super hero of them all? I began to ask the super heroes around me where the hell was Supes at but then an usher rudely shined a bright light into my face and told me in a booming, commanding voice to please shut the fuck up. I quickly turned around to face the screen but out of the corner of my eye I saw the usher's "uniform". It had a red flowing cape on the back of it, with an large "S" emblazoned on it. It was Superman and he was working as the usher! Now I realized that he didn't have a flashlight in his hands when he lit me up, but it was his X-Ray vision or Heat Vision or something that did it. By golly no wonder I got hot when he first addressed me. I thought it was the cheap ass theater's lack of air conditioning. I sat back to watch the rest of the movie but couldn't get my thoughts off of Supes!
Soon enough the terrible Captain America movie was over and I ran outside to see if Superman was still there. I caught a glimpse of him entering the theater that I had just left and was blocked by another employee who said that Superman needed to clean the theater before anyone could go into it. I started to ask him how long would it take but before I could finish my sentence Superman re-emerged and shouted that the theater was cleaned. I was stunned. It was a 890 seat theater! All done in less than a half a second! As I was about to ask Superman for his autograph the manager came between me and him. I saw him calling Superman an idiot for cleaning the theaters so fast. He said that last time he cleaned the theaters fast he overlooked a half eaten tray of Nacho's in the center of the theater. Then to my amazement he suspended Superman and told him not to come back to work for a week and a half! I decided to get the heck out of there because the Usher of Steal looked pretty damn angry. And if this usher got even a little bit pissed, movie night is going to become hell on on Earth!
The Jagged Bottom Line (TM): Avoid this film and re-watch "Superman: The Movie" (the 1977 one). Now THAT was a Superhero film! Now that Supes works as a movie theater usher he'll appreciate any viewing of his past glory days.
Opening Date: ????
DVD Date: Two days before the Opening Date for certain.
Overview: Yet another mothefucking super hero film. This one has the legendary super hero Captain America in it. Running around as if there wasn't a camera and a film crew filming his fake ass antics. And to make matters worse the Hollywood knuckleheads that put together this "film" managed to destroy his cool patriotic costume and replace it with what looks to me to be a lumberjack uniform. Someone said that it was a parachuter's uniform but don't they take all that shit off after the jump? Captain America doesn't. He must think it's the current style or something which could be the case since the film is set in the 1940's during World War 2.
Starring: Chris "I'm the Human Torch Too" Evans, Adolf Hitler Jr. as "Adolf Hitler Senior.", Matt Damon as "Bucky", Elvira as "The Red Skull", The Green Bay Packers as the evil organizaton known as "Hydra".
Special narration by President Obama
Stunts by: The Harlem Globetrotters
The Plot: A scrawny toothpick of a boy with the super-imposed head of Chris Evans wants to contribute to the "Better Late Than Never" war effort of the United States during World War 2. Once the bag of bones is enlisted he finds himself drawn into (no pun intended because this was a comic book) a secret government experiment to force feed a U.S. soldier a year's worth of vegetables all at once in the hope that it will make him super strong, incredibly agile, and able to make love to a woman for days without ejaculation. And guess what? It worked!
The Silly Review
If there was one word to describe the feeling I have for this film it would have to be "WHODOIHAVETOFINGERFUCKTOGETMYMONEYBACK?" The problems of this film began in the pre-production stage when a couple or more rich bozos got together and decided make a CAPTAIN AMERICA movie but change his world reknown costume! Once this "decision" was made, no doubt between bouts of alcohol consumption and heavy cocain usage, the movie was all but destined to be a fake, unfaithful and unflattering potrayel of the patriotic legendary comic book character.
The first scene of the film is like a microcosm of the entire film. It shows a young, malnurished to third world levels Steve Rogers stealing food from the local bakery and food stands. He's beat up by the food stand owner's fat and well fed sons who then feel sorry for breaking nearly every bone in the young thief's body. So they recommend that he join the Army or Marines or whatever to toughen him up. How the hell did this kid pass the entry examine is beyond me because I became severely distracted by a sudden flood of memories of that ridiculous "Parachuting Captain America" image on the poster outside of the theater. It made me storm outside to take another look at it just to be certain that I wasn't seeing things. I wasn't. There he was in that stupid parachuting costume with some sort of weird leather "helmet" on. He looked like a serial killer that parachutes down onto his victims.
Well after the first few scenes of this film and after the "death is near" look of Stever Rogers is replaced by the "Parachuting Serial Killer" Captain America look I was beginning to wish for the closing credits to show up and save me from this debacle of film making. But that didn't happen. I busied myself with looking around the auidence to see who besides us film critics would even begin to pay to see this junk. What I saw nearly knocked me out of my seat. I saw Iron Man sitting a few seats down from me, with his arm around guess who? Wonder Woman! And that jerk kicking the back of my seat? Well I finally turned around and took a good look at him and found out that it was fucking Batman! Up ahead of me was seated Spiderman, The Hulk, The Fantastic Four, in fact the whole theater was full of freaking super heroes! But where was Superman, the greatest super hero of them all? I began to ask the super heroes around me where the hell was Supes at but then an usher rudely shined a bright light into my face and told me in a booming, commanding voice to please shut the fuck up. I quickly turned around to face the screen but out of the corner of my eye I saw the usher's "uniform". It had a red flowing cape on the back of it, with an large "S" emblazoned on it. It was Superman and he was working as the usher! Now I realized that he didn't have a flashlight in his hands when he lit me up, but it was his X-Ray vision or Heat Vision or something that did it. By golly no wonder I got hot when he first addressed me. I thought it was the cheap ass theater's lack of air conditioning. I sat back to watch the rest of the movie but couldn't get my thoughts off of Supes!
Soon enough the terrible Captain America movie was over and I ran outside to see if Superman was still there. I caught a glimpse of him entering the theater that I had just left and was blocked by another employee who said that Superman needed to clean the theater before anyone could go into it. I started to ask him how long would it take but before I could finish my sentence Superman re-emerged and shouted that the theater was cleaned. I was stunned. It was a 890 seat theater! All done in less than a half a second! As I was about to ask Superman for his autograph the manager came between me and him. I saw him calling Superman an idiot for cleaning the theaters so fast. He said that last time he cleaned the theaters fast he overlooked a half eaten tray of Nacho's in the center of the theater. Then to my amazement he suspended Superman and told him not to come back to work for a week and a half! I decided to get the heck out of there because the Usher of Steal looked pretty damn angry. And if this usher got even a little bit pissed, movie night is going to become hell on on Earth!
The Jagged Bottom Line (TM): Avoid this film and re-watch "Superman: The Movie" (the 1977 one). Now THAT was a Superhero film! Now that Supes works as a movie theater usher he'll appreciate any viewing of his past glory days.
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