The Man With The 'Soft' Fists Just Didn't Sound Right

The Man With The Iron Fists

Starring:

President Obama
Mitt Romney
Bruce Lee's Ghost
Buddha
George Lucas (special appearance as the 'Crouching Producer, Hidden Fanboy')

Directed by Quentin Tarantula the 3rd

The Plot:

The ghost of Bruce Lee visits Martial Arts Master President Obama and warns him that an evil entity known as 'Romneygeddon' has been resurrected by the Republican Party after an eons-long sleep in a shutdown Mormon Temple's basement to inflict great harm upon his administration UNLESS Master Obama can attack his only known weakness --the Golden Wallet of Avalon.

The Review:

This movie was awful. AWWFULLL!!!!! I wish I could hire a bunch of traveling cheerleaders to shout out how bad this movie was nationwide. I've never seen such a bigger collection of bubble-headed / bobbleheaded movie stars and politician turned actors in my life acting up a minor storm and pretending as if they were doing something relevant or holy at the same time. First the script: right away you know that it wasn't written by Shakespeare or James Joyce when the opening line is -"I'm gonna get you, Sucka!!!" spouted by a shameless President Obama dressed as an aging Martial Arts master (white hair and long white mustache and all!). My first thought (which would've been yours too) is 'how the hell did they get the leader of the Free World to do this film?? After that thought breezes in and out of your mind you've got a choice to make. A. Do I sit here and waste 3 hrs(!) of my life OR should I get up and get that big spicy hot dog that I saw in 7-11 the other day and have been craving ever since'? Hopefully for you, you'll choose to go and eat something -because I didn't and lived to regret it.

As I watched this film (which is full of mindless violence and stupid, odd sexual scenes) I felt my wallet being picked by the director, Quentin T. There was one particular scene which completely boggled the f*ck out of me. Bruce Lee's Ghost was training Master Obama in some deadly Kung Fu stuff when Joe Biden came in talking about a known terrorists being spotted entering the USA by a Canadian border patrol agent. Then Biden acts as if he notices the camera for the first time and rushes out of the scene. Was that real? Did the USA come under a threat while Obama was playing Kung Fu hero?? There's really no way to tell since the lazy ass filmmakers LEFT THE SCENE IN THE FILM. That's not all I saw in this movie that should've been left OUT OF THE FILM: random people walking through entire scenes, in one shot -during a battle no less, a toddler can be seen walking amid several explosions!! I kid you not. It was horrific. I think one of the crew working on the movie must've brought their kid to the set or something and somehow(?) the kid strayed...? Well, I hope that's what happened. Hate to think that the Hollywood exploitation machine has now focused on little kids. Putting them in real or apparent danger just to shock and offend us (and thereby create huge word of mouth advertising for this sick movie).

Anyway to make a long story short, the more I watched of this film the more retarded my brain felt until my subconscious began to take over my body and like a robot made me get up and walk to the door and out of that stupid theater. My whole exit felt surreal as a mother*cker. Like I was sleepwalking. I must've walked about a mile from the theater before my higher self decided to let me go and I collapsed on a sidewalk -half awake, half asleep. So do yourself a favor and skip this 'movie'. Do anything other than watch it --I mean anything. Iron your wife's bra or see how many Twinkies you can stuff up your asshole. ANYTHING would be more entertaining and fulfilling than this.

To The Batcave, Bella!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Original Script Title: 'The Twilight Saga: Marriage Sucks Part 2

Starring

-Robert 'Frankenstein' Pattinson
-Kirsten 'Cheater' Stewart
-Patrick 'Captain Picard' Stewart
-Talyor 'Wolfboy' Lautner
-Joe 'I saved the 2012 Election by acting tough during the V.P. debate' Biden
-Henry 'The Fonz' Winkler
-Angry Vampire Birds

Special appearance by William 'Not The Bald Captain' Shatner as the Vampire Council leader.

The Plot: While screwing the hell out of his cheating ex (or future cheating girlfriend, depending on when this 'movie' was filmed) Kristen Stewart (as 'Bella Swan' --can you pick a more obnoxiously beautiful name?), Robert Pattinson (AKA Edward Cullen) throws out his back and the two lovers head to Rio De Janeiro to seek an ancient vampire chiropractor that charges the lowest rates on Earth. As the pain increases (in his horny crotch as well as his back), Edward (AKA Robert Pattinson the actor) storms into a convenience store and demands a hundred cans of Red Bull to help him feel better. This is broadcast worldwide and the evil, twisted Vampire Union (AKA Vampire Council in the previous films) head to Rio but not explicitly to kill Edwin and Bella, but to engage in some hot sexual adventures with Rio's notoriously arousing brown and golden skinned inhabitants.

The Review
I wanted to give this review my all so I made sure that I didn't watch 'Twilight: Breaking Bread Part 1' OR The movie described above. I felt the only way to review this film COMPLETELY OBJECTIVELY was to NOT watch it at all! And then GUESS at what might happen in the movie itself. This is a certified method of reviewing a movie that the legendary movie reviewer Rodger Ebert approves of 100%. So here goes...

The directing on this film had to be the best thing about it. As I sat in an empty theater pretending to watch 'Twilight: Breaking Heads Part 2' and conversing with a non-existing girlfriend and equally non-existing 'pals' that I 'brought' along I thought that the director should be given an award or something for the exciting visuals and expert pacing of this film. The initial opening scene of the movie --where a shirtless Edward is banging the heck out of Bella is especially interesting. Because apparently Bella is ashamed of her body so much that she refuses to remove her wedding gown for their pre-honeymoon lovemaking. But Edward, the skilled lover that he was, deftly moved around and under the huge gown, guiding his thrust with the skill and ingenuity of a seasoned gigolo! The only thing I found wrong with this scene --or I should say DISTURBING about it was the shot of Taylor 'Wolfy' Lautner peeping at the lovers through their bedroom window. I felt this was an extremely sickening shot and should've been cut out of the film altogether. There was another shot in the movie that needed to be cut out too, that was the shot of President Obama winning the 2012 election. What did this have to do with the damn movie? I hate it when filmmakers include their political views into their movies. Stick the story!! Not politics!

The rest of the movie flowed pretty spectacularly. Picking William Shatner to star as the Vampire Club's leader was an inspired choice. Letting him wear a blood stained Captain Kirk uniform was even more inspiring. The film marketers obviously did their research: Twilight and Star Trek fans are one in the same!! As Edwin got his back worked on by the chiropractor (with Bella anxiously waiting for word on whether or not her manvamp can still have honeymoon sex with her), the Evil Vampire Republican Party descends on Rio and after a wild and certainly triple XXX rated orgy with the city's sex-obsessed inhabitants they pick up the ball and go hunting for Edwin and Bella. This is the only part of the movie that's kind of bad. I was watching this flick with a bunch of imagined teenagers and was scared as hell that the cops would bust in on us all because all that nudity, cursing, and drinking up on the screen should've gotten somebody locked up! But the teens were all giggling and playing peek-a-boo with the screen's action so they really missed half of the raw shots being thrown at us. There was one really old guy in the back row in a long rain coat grinning throughout the film but we all thought that it was probably the director attempting to watch the movie incognito (that's French or Russian for 'disguised') so he can judge the audience reaction to his film objectively.

Anyhoo the film eventually reached a satisfying climax (no pun intended) with Bella having a really ugly baby and trying to throw it out of a window while shouting "MONSTER!!!". But Edwin grabbed the vamp/human child and slapped Bella hard with it for trying kill it. This scene was shot in tedious slow motion, with psychedelic lenses flashing over it all and it made me and about 12 other teens in the audience throw-up our roach spray covered popcorn and hurl our mega-overdose sugary soft drinks (which was good because my large soda had 576 grams of sugar in it per serving and it was big enough to serve 3 people. That means I actually drank 1,728 grams of fucking sugar as I watched this twisted film!!! Now I know I have dia-f*cking-betes and I'm going to sue somebody for it!!

To make a short story longer, this movie was worth the $20.50 I paid for it. The guy outside of the theater said the flick was in 3D and I bought some glasses off of him and a beat up ticket. He ripped me off good but I still enjoyed the film! Go see it today! Or stay home and paint purple dots on you living room wall--I DON'T GIVE A F*CK.

High As Cloud 9 Movie Review

'Cloud Atlas'

Previous Titles: 'Clown Atlas', 'Around The World In 9 Days', 'Atlas Shrugged Again'

Starring:
Tom Hanky-Panky Hanks
Hellish Berry
Captain Crunch
Barney The Dinosaur
The Ringling Brothers
John Dillinger
Baby Face Nelson

The Plot:
A bunch of Hollywood movie producers, still seeking to cash in on the Sci-Fi craze started by 'Star Wars' over 30 years ago, create a freaky sci-fantasy movie so mixed up, so without a shred of logic, that they collectively slit their own throats in front of both family and friends during a private premiere last month.

The Review:
This is a nasty film and I saw it in a nasty, NASTY theater. There were so many roaches and other multi-eyed creeping 30 legged things in there that I spent half the damn movie trying to make sure that they weren't crawling all over me. As I battled all of these filthy creatures in the auditorium ALONE (because nobody else showed up to watch this chaos posing as art) up on the screen, Tom Hanks and Halle Berry were fighting with the awful script they had been tossed a day before filming was to start. First of all let me say that I'm a big Tom Hanks fan. Really BIG--as big as his first big hit called 'BIG' coincidentally! So I'm kind of partial to the large craniumed guy. I let it slide when he kept forgetting his lines during the movie. But Halle Berry, the brown sugar queen herself I cannot forgive. She's supposed to be a class act you know,  helping to get Hollywood to hire more hot black chicks instead of the usual sponge-ugly ones that you see on TV and film. She forgot nearly every line in the damn movie! In one seen she could be seen clearly wiping a tear from her eye as someone off camera shouted something at her that obviously was edited out of the final product.

The Story? What story!!!? Okay, there's something LIKE a story here: Tom Hanks discovers a time machine and takes a journey around the Earth through it's different eras, stopping off and killing all sorts of time in any day that he likes. Trouble is he doesn't like it anywhere for long before he begins to verbally wish to get the hell out of there. In Rome, 43 BC, he flips off Julius Caesar himself! In Paris circa 1885 he screams obscenities at the great sculptor Rodin, challenging him to sculpt "like a real man" and stop busting up chisel after chisel carving out huge jagged figures (the kind Rodin eventually became famous for).

The Soundtrack? WHAT SOUNDTRACK!!!?? This movie was as unbearable to hear as it was to watch with a screeching non-stop 'soundtrack' from that spoiled brat Justine Beiber. "Where'd he get that hairstyle?" was all I could think as he unnecessarily "lip-synced" the instrumental only 'Cloud Atlas' soundtrack (check CNN for his confession). He even bragged about how his lip-syncing of orchestral pieces "sounded better than the actual instruments". GIVE ME A BREAK. By the time the movie ended I was ready to get the fudge out of there and go STEAL me a can of Raid (because I had blown all of the money my aging parents had given me for my birthday on stupid movie theater candy and sh*t.)

To make a long story short, I didn't get a chance to see that much of 'Cloud Atlas' because of the primordial battle I waged with the tiny inhabitants of the theater itself. Bugs all over the damn place. WTF. 'Did the movie attract the bugs or were they already in the theater?' That was the impression that 'Cloud Atlas' left me with. Take a rolled up piece of newspaper with you just in case it was the film that brought the bugs (is my advice).

A Wrong, Wrong, Wrong Brothers Movie Review

Flight

Original script title: 'Flight Club'

The Cast of 'Flight':

-Denzel Washington (as the Black Captain Sully)
-Starscream (as the Transformer)
-Peter Pan (as the singing copilot)
-Neil Armstrong (as the deceased passenger)
-The Wright Brothers (as the inventors of flight)
-The Wrong Sisters (as the incestuous neighbors of the Wright Bros).
-Birdman as The Superhero

The Plot:

Denzel Washington stars as himself: an aging breakfast, lunch and dinner skipping, broken bottle and crushed soda can collecting out of work formerly big movie star actor, with another shot at making a decent check when he applies for a job as a cross country motorcycle helmet transporter (there's a gig for everything you know). Only the job is a front for a declining airline company that turns truckers into pilots with only 2.5 days of training in order for it to save money.

The Review

Everybody's saying that this movie is "incredible" to witness, that it's like "a religious experience", so I just had to check out this film. But being a seasoned film reviewer I smartly LOWERED my expectations due to all of the hype surrounding it and to my astonishment the film really did live up to all of the good things that were said about it. It was incredible, the way that in the first few scenes Denzel's character 'The Pilot' is established. The film opens up with The Pilot stocking a basement cellar full of hard liquor as if the f*cking end of the world had been announced on TV. I've never seen so much liquor on the silver screen in my life. Then Denzel (AKA the Pilot) grabs a crate full of booze and runs out of the house to his awaiting semi-trailer. He tosses the booze into the passenger's seat and guns the engine, immediately driving the truck into reverse instead of forward (having apparently hit the wrong gear) and crushing a 'Smart Car' (you know those tiny, $10,000 rip-off 4 wheel golf carts posing as automobiles). Anyway, right away I KNEW WHO THIS CHARACTER WAS. That's professional script writing for you!

The production values of this film were a 'religious experience' itself. After Denzel's character 'The Pilot' finishes his 2.5 days of pilot training and is given a planeload of people (over 400 souls!) to fly to Hawaii, both of Denzel's plane's engines EXPLODE and rip to shred his wings. The rear tail of the plane falls down into the Grand Canyon (an incredibly beautiful, heaven-like shot) and Denzel has to FLY THE PLANE WITHOUT WINGS OR A TAIL THOUSANDS OF MILES TO HAWAII WITH HALF OF IT'S ORIGINAL PASSENGERS AND (get this) UPSIDE DOWN!!! It's a hellish scene so mindbogglingly realistic that the female Denzel fans in the audience actually thought that the Big Handsome President Obama Rival had bought it! They began to scream, "Oh, Denzel!!! They killa hum fo da movie!!!" (these were some of his ghetto fans). I had to get out of my seat and slap the shit back into those ladies in order to get them to realize that Denzel survived the explosion.

So you CAN believe all of the hoopla and hype around this incredible movie. It lived up to--no, it EXCEEDED my expectations because I originally thought that the movie was about the 1960's-1970's 'white flight' out of the cities after the blacks began to move in. In fact there is a romantic-like scene (I guess!) in the movie where Denzel is depressed / drunk and a couple of hot white stewardesses began to massage him for an awfully long time. Made me and the rest of the moviegoers a bit uncomfortable watching it. GO SEE 'FLIGHT' YOU KNUCKLE-DRAGGING MOVIE APES!!! DON'T YOU WANT TO EVOLVE?? GO SEE A REAL MOVIE FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF ALL THAT MADE FOR TV CRAP THAT'S BEING TOSSED ONTO THE BIG SCREEN AS IF!!! I give this movie 5 out of 5 Smoking Planes (so you know it's good!)

Super serious movie review!

The Avengers

Oh, God---!!! OH MY GODDD!! DOUBLE OOMMGG!! I saw "The Avengers" last night, the latest superhero flick from Marvel Comics and I must say it was ultrafantasticmagnificentstunning!!! I watched it with a bunch of other over-enthusiastic nerdy-boys and girls who kept getting up to rush to the restroom because their excitement was a bit too high. In fact people were pissing on themselves everywhere in the theater and it almost ruined the film for me! During the most amazing scenes ushers were moving through the aisles, mopping up urine and throwing down newspapers as if there were a bunch of dogs in the audience instead of us comic book fans. But after a while I just stood on my chair and cheered as Iron Man, The Hulk, Captain America, The Trix Rabbit, and Cindy Brady (from "The Brady Bunch" classic TV show--yes, now she's a Marvel superhero!) battled the evil forces of Loki and Asgard!!!!! To further complicate my viewing pleasure I was unable to prevent myself from bursting into tears at Scarlett Johansson's gorgeous sexy rendition of the Black Widow! My Scarlett induced excitement made me burn enormous amounts of energy so I tore through my popcorn and soda like a starving cheetah attacking a baby deer on the plains of Africa.Then I began to steal handfuls of grub from the movie screen transfixed audience members around me. I ate other people's Goobers, Raisinettes, Twizzlers, etc. all because they couldn't keep their big fan-boy / fan-girl eyes off of Captain America's muscles. I ate so much that I hurled a stream of concession vomit at the movie screen and caused them to shut down the film! But the fans demanded they keep playing the film even with my huge vomit stain on the screen so the theater obliged them! Fans --you gotta love 'em! So go see this flick even if you don't have any money. Beg and tell the theater all sorts of lies to get in! If that doesn't work drill a hole in the side of the theater from the outside (an "Avengers peephole") and pull up a lawn chair! Whatever you do, don't miss this important moment in Hollywood history, you anchor headed, silly review reading fried chicken neck losers!

Safe

Warning! This is not a review. It's a  to-do list!Gonna take in two possible stupid films tonight: "The Raven" and "Safe". One's a murder-mystery thing involving Edgar Allen Poe being set up for murders or something, the other is, well, it's got Jason Statham in it so I guess you know what's that's gonna be about (hint: a high body count plus a couple of deafening explosions, PLUS about 2 females in the audience -the rest hard tough males aching for a life of action-adventure.) Anyway I anticipate a GREAT F*CKING EVENING alone with myself (as usual). I would call a couple of chicks to see if they wanted to ESCORT me to the theater (haha-hehe) but lately (OK, the last 10 years), all I've been getting from the fairer sex is a pack of "No's" and a swift kick in the ass. Perhaps I can sneak my half a blow-up doll into the theater with me (you know what half I'm talking about..!) but that half doesn't have eyes so I'd look kind of suspicious sitting in the theaters with my fist clenched and my feet tapping or stomping (if you prefer) to a hard rocking sound track as Jason S. beat the living daylights out of a couple (or army) of bad guys, next to a plastic replica of the female pelvic area (!). I know disgustingly pathetic but you're still reading this aren't you (you perv!). Hahaha. Well anyway I suppose if the film is bad enough I can always disrobe (that's a fancy word for take off my clothes) and get down to some nitty-gritty action right there in the theater seats! Hell yeah! That sounds like some fun! Hahaha. I'd better censor this horrible description of a typical evening for me from my female friends so that they don't prejudge me and de-friend me or something. Nah! I think I'll let it ride to see who abandons the Silly Movie Reviews (TRADEMARK) ship and who's a true friend of such a disgusting middle aged loser that I am. Any females still around after I post this I commend you! YOU, my friends, are truly open minded and are fantastic fellow Americans wherever you call home (free speech and all that, you know!)

 The Lucky One

I was unlucky enough to see Zack Efron's latest attempt at becoming a movie star, 'The Lucky One'. A movie so devoid of drama, so lacking in meaning, that my bag of Doritos that I smuggled into the theater was the only thing keeping me from passing out altogether. It was a stupid, contrived, and wholly unnecessary film with pathetic attempts by the actors to save it's useless script. At the end of  the film I stood up and shook my fist at the screen, I was so f*cking angry. Then I went and got me another bag of Doritos to salvage a ruined evening. Don't be a fool! Avoid 'The Lucky One'. If your car crashes into a theater while that bullshit is playing and you survive the accident, get out of your car and cover up your eyes and ears and head back through the hole that your car entered through immediately! It's awful. It's like they gave a bunch of 2nd graders expensive movie equipment for a weekend or something.

The 'WTF' Movie of the Decade

Prometheus
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Opening Date: June 8th, 2012

Starring
-Ridely Scott as Himself
-Woody Allen as Himself
-Francis Coppola staring Himself
-George Lucas as Himself
-Thor
-Iron Man
-The Hulk
-and the rest of the cast form Marvel's upcoming super hero team movie, "The Avengers".

The Plot
The great director Ridely Scott, he who created such daunting American classic films such as 'Alien', 'Bladerunner', and "Axe Murderer Diaries" returns to the silver screen with a documentary about his backyard barbecuing experiences with the new, top of the line outdoor grill named 'Prometheus" (for sale at at you local Target or Kmart stores.)

The Review:
First of all, the promotional campaign for this film was 100% deceptive. It advertised 'Prometheus' as a sequel to Ridely Scott's 1980's sci-fi classic, 'Alien'. But in all truth there's not a single alien or space ship in this film except the special effects models sitting over the director's fireplace. Instead this film shows director Ridely Scott showing off his new Prometheus Barbecue Pit to some of Hollywood's biggest directors. From Woody Allen to George Lucas, they all stop by to taste some of Ridely's home cooking and then stare and gaze with complete amazement at the polished black surface of the Prometheus.

Now I have to admit it, the new Prometheus barbecue grill is a super sexy vision of beauty, but to try and sell it as a sequel to 'Alien' borders (crosses?) on criminal behavior of the highest kind. I like barbecue just like the next man but I'll be damned if someone is going to charge me $12.00 a ticket to watch a bunch of famous old directors consuming (sloppily), huge fresh cooked ribs, chicken, and who knows what else. And to sit there watching people eating barbecue while I and the rest of the audience ate stale popcorn and dried out "Twizzlers" was sheer torture. After about an hour of that nonsense I had to run out of the theater and locate me a barbecue-selling shop fast.

The directing on this film was preposterous to say the least. As that fat headed, ego-centric Ridely Scott cooked his ribs he simultaneously tried to film the entire party around him, dropping his camera up to 10 times in the process. Then he would stand up and turn the camera towards himself while grinning like Lucifer on weed. The location standards were poor too. The entire barbecuing scene took place in some lousy, cheap to rent backyard of somebody's ghetto home. I could've sworn I heard gunshot over that stupid Woody Allen who chomped and smacked his lips so loudly that you could barely hear the soundtrack and background noise on the film itself.

Over all, this was a bad, bad flick. But it did have at least one redeeming quality and it was in the scene where Ridely Scott chews out George Lucas. He called George Lucas a "film school level director with half stolen, half twisted stories" plus a traffic ticket backlog of cases going back 35 years! By outing Ol' George he immediately became the leader of the fledgeling anti-Star Wars movement.

Conclusion: Go see this retarded, incredibly stupid movie but don't expect much except a bunch of bad acting and way too dumb dialog.

He's 20 stories high and without a good script to justify it.

 Man on a Ledge

Original script title: "The Life and Death of a Facebook Employee"

Release Date: January 27, 2012

Desired Release Date: Election Day, 2012

DVD Release Date: January 26, 2012 (just in case it bombs at the theater the next day -which it most certainly will.)

Starring (in order of worthiness)

-Elizabeth Banks (the real reason to see this movie)
-Ridley Scott (the famed director, in his first acting gig ever)
-Sam Worthington (still searching for a career)
-Anthony Mackie (playing the wise black man advising the desperate white man. See any Will Smith movie to know what I mean)
-Stan Lee
-Jack Kirby
-Neal Adams
-Charles Schultz
- And a bunch of other actors, including (grandpa) Ed Harris, who aren't worth mentioning.

Special Note: All stunts in this film were performed by that loon, Tom Cruise, who actually climbed the world's tallest skyscraper in "Mission Impossible; Ghost Protocol" just to stay within the public's eye (he knows his days as an action hero are practically over!)

The Plot
An Facebook employee threatens to jump off of the world's tallest office building because his boss, Mark Zuckerberg (played to perfection by famed director Ridley Scott -his first acting role!), demands that he uses Facebook's new Timeline app on his profile page. As a crowd full of Myspace and Google Plus employees shout "JUMP!" a disturbed police psychologist sent to talk the man down instead joins the man on the ledge -threatening the world below with a double loser splat!

The Review

First of all, I didn't even want to see this nutty movie! I sent my dog to the movie theater to buy me tickets to "Underworld Part 4" starring that fine as white girl, Kate Beckinsale. But along the way he met some people attending a "free secret movie premiere" and he figured I'd enjoy that better. By the time he returned with the free tickets the last showing of Underworld was sold out and I was sh*t out of luck. Stupid f*cking dogs! I should've sent my cat to pick up my ticktets, I hear that they're way smarter animals.

The movie opens up with Sam Worthington's character, Nick, taking a dump inside a Facebook restroom stall when Ridley Scott's Mark Zuckerberg kicks open the stall door and throws a laptop into Nick's lap which displays Nick's Facebook page (which still doesn't have the new Timeline interface on it). Then Mark Zuckerberg grabs Nick and (with his pants down around his ankle), berates him on why Timeline is crucial to Facebook defeating Google Plus and the newly revived Myspace. By the time Mark's tirade is over, poor Nick is a sobbing nervous wreck. With his pants still down around his ankles he climbs out of an open window inside Facebook's towering New York headquarters and threatens to jump! This entire sequence was played expertly by the up and coming Sam Worthington who worked perfectly with the big director turned actor, Ridley Scott. As the two men argued and fought one could get a sense that something great was being created -that is until the amateur director, Asger Leth, unnecessarily and continuously kept showing us Sam Worthington's pants which were draped around his ankles! What was that all about? Was it some sort of obscure, French or German, cinematic method? After all of these shots of a man's pants around his ankles I strangely began to get hungry for some movie food -so I can't review what immediately happened after Sam Worthington's character, Nick climbed onto the ledge.

By the time I came back from concession (there was an exceptionally long line of men) the scene up on the screen had changed dramatically. On the ledge with Sam Worthington was that fine ass Elizabeth Banks playing a police crisis detective and a bunch of failed Republican Presidential candidates! I saw Herman Cain, John McCain and the really old Bob Dole all preparing to jump 90 stories to their certain deaths. Now the crowd below had gotten even bigger. Lots of Obama supporters were shouting "Jump, Motherfuckers!" while trying to fend off a crowd of Republican supporters who were shouting, "Obama should be up there! The economy sucks under his leadership and we've got illegal aliens up our asses!"

Despite all of this way too convincing hostility the production values of the film were stupendous. All of the buildings in the scene looked quite real and the sky too was really, really rendered correctly. I swear that today's computer generated special effects (CGI for all of you nerds) are practically flawless. In one shot a bunch of cars stopped at a street light and all of the people leaned out of their autos and looked skyward, waiting for Mr. Worthington to take his great leap. This scene could've been easily shot on a real city street but the production crew valued the highly expensive CGI version better and so they created it using digital technology. A wise decision because that street corner looked more real than real when it was finished.

The script was top notch. It had all of the bells and whistles of a professional one without being bothered with stuff like character development or pacing. It was one of the best scripts I had ever seen or should I say "heard". The writer was Sesame Street scribe Alfonso Duarte who had begged his boss at Sesame Street for time off to write "Gone With The Wind at 20 Stories" (the script's original title.) His boss flat out rejected the idea of his top writer for Big Bird and Ernie and The Count skip out on his ironclad contract to work for others. But Mr. Duarte was determined to write for the silver screen and told the head of Sesame Street to "eat his underwear" and he quit! 2 days later the script for "Man on a Ledge" was finished and emailed to Disney(?) and the rest is wannabe history.

All in all this movie was a better watch than any of the Star Wars films or that Godfather nonsense. It's on the level with that spectacular movie, "Skyline" that roared into the theater a couple of years ago, changing lives forever. Go see this film, you fucktard, and tell the ushers to go and get you your food if you get there late, while you sit your fat ass down. A lot of people don't utilize this service as much as they should.. Ushers are like waiters you know.

Criminal Movie Review!

Contraband

Release Date: January 13, 2012

Desired Release Date: Scarface's birthday

Starring (in reverse order of importance)

-Dopey Drake -The garbage man
-Alice Sogood - The Maid
-John Hauler - The Bus Driver
-Lukas Haas as The Up and Coming Actor
-Giovanni Ribisi as the Treacherous BFF
-Kate Beckinsale as the Hottest Wife
-Mark Wahlberg as Mr. Six Pack (have you seen this guy's abs! Check out the film "Shooter"!)
-George Lucas as Himself (thanks for the first 2 Star Wars films, good Sir! Awesome stuff.)
-God as Himself / Itself (thanks, literally for EVERYTHING.)

Behind the Scenes:

Produced by: A bunch of African drug lords
Filmed in: The Congo
Smuggled into the USA by: Ace Smugglers Inc.
Pursued by: The CIA
Captured in: Downtown Hollywood

Plot Summary

Mark Wahlberg stars as a down and out infomercial actor named Jimi Johnson who returns to a life of smuggling when sales for his incredible abdomen workout device, the "Flex-American" drop like a pack of cocain into the toilet during a drug raid in the 'hood. During his return to the underworld Jimi screws up big time and he and his pals are marked for death by the latest crime lord goon, Mr. Waybig (played superbly by surprise guest star, Christopher Walken!). Jimi must replace the drugs or the money that the drugs were worth or his wife, Bootsie (played astutely by the always stunning Kate Beckinsale) runs off with Mr. Waybig like she's promised to do ever since they were married (over 14 years ago).

The Review

This movie was a top-flight production from beginning to end. First, let me talk about the incredibly authentic wardrobe that the super couple (Mark and Kate) wore throughout the film. Mark's "dirty criminal" T-shirts and tank tops looked extremely authentic. In fact they looked TOO authentic. They had all sorts of food stains on them and massive dirt "slaps" (like a DWP worker had just climbed out of a street hole and ran right into Mark, grabbing him with his dirty paws and then suddenly realizing who he was, began to hug him with his super dirty uniform pressed up against Mark's ultra white T-shirt). Mark's jeans were very convincing too. They had graffiti written on them, such is the current underworld jean style. And there were a couple of bullet holes in the behind area of the jeans. As if some criminal had been popped a couple of times by some dirty (L.A.) cops.

Kate Beckinsale's wardrobe was on the verge of being x-rated! She wore leather throughout the film, as if the producers wanted to make sure that the male element in the audience took note that this was not an ordinary beauty, but a wild woman, worthy of the average whopping $12.00 movie theater ticket price. Looking like a dominatrix from one of her "Underworld" films, Kate strutted around in a leather jumpsuit, whip wrapped around her waist in a sexy-sort of manner. When she spoke her lips curled up (think Elvis) which made you realize what a great actress she really was (doing Elvis is hard I hear).

Besides the wardrobe other things in this film were just far beyond the usual sh*tty quality of a Hollywood film. During the action sequence I could swear that people were being hit and / or shot for real! After the film I checked the morgue to see if my theory was correct; and sure enough! At least 25 actors had been killed on March 3, 2011, the same day that "Contraband" started filming! Appalled at this knowledge I then decided NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL and go to sleep. Like I said, these were top-notch action sequences. In one scene Mark is on a three-way phone call arguing with his super rude mother-in-law, the drug lord out to kill him, and the landlord who was demanding rent from Mark. Suddenly, Mark just slammed the telephone on a counter, busting it up into a million pieces. Then he hurled it towards an open window as his sexy wife (the lovely Kate Beckinsale) stood up from gardening. The phone smashed against Kate's head (stunt woman?) and she killed-over like she had been Tasered by an off-duty cop or something. This action sequence was so astounding that I turned to a couple of children (playing grade school hooky I presume) and asked them if they thought that the aforementioned action sequence was computer generated or live acted. They just shrugged their shoulders and giggled at me.

In fact there were easily about 2 dozen knock-down-drag-it-out fights in this film. And so much ammunition was being fired that I called the U.S. government to make sure that the filmmaker's weren't running through the USA's armed forces supplies, leaving us vulnerable to a possible invasion!

All in all, "Contraband" was an exciting waste of my time. I had plenty of other things to do that day, like taking my chemo for my brain tumor, but I put that and other things off so I could just have a good time. What I would really like to see is a sequel to this film! Maybe if it does well then wel'll get it. So here's hoping that Mark can pull it off. Let's hope that he has the acting chops to bring in the big money!

Absurd Movie Review!

Beauty and the Beast 3D

(Yes, that's right! In 3 freakin' D!!!)

Opening Date: Whenever.

DVD Date: Check your local DVD pirate. He's probably got it right now.

Starring:

A bunch of cartoons without any real existence beyond the distorted, perverted imaginations of the geeks that illustrate them. Now that these images are in 3D we'll be able to see what these sex-starved "artists" really think of Beauty. Will her breast protrude into the face of the viewer? Will the Beast's crotch bulge too far out of the movie screen? Oh, this appears to be a bad mistake on Disney's part, now that I think of it. Making a love story in 3D for what will be an audience consisting of children mainly.

The Plot

A young cartoon girl with aspirations of becoming a top corporate executive finds her dreams shattered in half (3/4ths?) by an evil Disney corporate executive bent on maintaining his iron-hard grip on the Walt Disney Kingdom. He employs a hideous beast to kidnap the girl and hold her captive inside of his wicked castle. But the evil executive's plan goes awry when the Beast and the beauty named Beauty fall head over hoofs in love.

The Review

Bravo, Walt Disney company! Bravo! This was a film of inconceivable quality and veracity (a fancy word for honesty). Finally we get to see just how evil and corrupt the Walt Disney company really is. For years they've been enslaving animators and their creations, forcing them to work ridiculous 24 / 8 days, feeding them grade school quality meals (a little bit below Federal prison meal standards) and then kicking them to the curb after they've made 50 billion dollars per film.

The villain in this film, a character by the name of 'Dark Disney', who looks just like Walt Disney but with red skin and a hideous constant grin, savagely kills the entire animation staff after it designed the character Beauty during the first 20 minutes of the film. It's a 3D blood bath that few members of the audience will ever, ever forget. But the gorgeously drawn, super hot cartoon Beauty escapes and for a little while is free to sing ABBA songs in a lovely illustrated forest. Eventually though she meets the grimmest fate of all -she is found and kidnapped by the horrific Beast! Aided by a couple of lacivious trees, who's creepy branches grab and "feel up" (!) Beauty. A shocking display of twisted sexuality in film by the Walt Disney company, but entertaining enough for many people to forgive them.

Let me digress: Some of these movie themes are decidedly adult in nature -kidnapping, massacres, lusty big beast chasing thin, barely over the legal drinking age young women-they are too overtly portrayed, it's all cleverly done with tasteful cutting and choosy camera angles. No child in the audience ever screamed while I was watching it, they just giggled a lot. Especially when the animators are savagely destroyed by the Beast. That scene alone made at least 3 parents faint and brought the theater manager to a hysterical level as the tried to shut down the film but couldn't because the psychotic projectionist had locked himself inside of the booth and wouldn't open the door up for anyone (doing drugs up there...?).

Once one gets past the unexpected "animated" gore and sex organs that hurls at the screen in 3D, one can appreciate some of the finer aspects of the film. When Beauty is held captive in a castle dungeon, her head covered in a hood while being guarded by what looked like Iraqi soldiers, she sings a song so lovely that even though it was muted by the heavy hood over her head, it nearly brought me to tears. There are moments like these consisting of sheer beauty -violently juxtaposed with the environment of an Iraqi cell block -that remind everyone what built the Walt Disney company into the micromanaged, unoriginal crap spitting dragon that needed to buy it's rival Pixar in order to stay in the game.

The love scenes in the film are second to none. I was surprised at the level of their eroticism. The scenes where Beauty humps the Beast is downright Valley porn level stuff! Several mothers who were still conscious grabbed their children and dragged them out of the theater. Especially when Beauty accidentally bit the Beast huge tool and the Beast screamed out, "RROWW! You little beastess! You know that's how I like it!" I have to admit that even I got uncomfortable during these perverted animated scenes but not for the same reason that the offended parents did. I had on some very tight pants and getting aroused in them caused me excruciating pain.

There are many reasons why this film should be watched, and many more reasons to avoid it. But I think that people all over are smart enough to decide whether the 3D effects, violence, and patently brazen sexuality of this movie is enough to not watch it. But personally I highly recommend it, so go check it out. Just make sure that you bring a lover or something because after you see it in life-like 3D you're gonna be so hot and heavy that you'll want some immediate 4D action.

Brain Melting Movie Review!

The Divide

Original script title: "Cannibal Shelter"

Starring: A bunch of C-list actors and some totally unknowns who get killed off so fast they were probably paid in cash instead of checks in order to make their visit to the movie set worth their while.

Special guest appearances by the ghosts of Alex Toth, Jack Kirby, and Charles Shultz! Why they appeared in this film I don't know but being a conosueirre of comic book art I thought it was awesome.

The Plot Summary

A rogue Bollywood director with issues against Hollywood invest his billions of dollars into turning his 300 + 7-11 locations into nuclear bomb silos capable launching missiles at any location in the world (which he does or else we'd have no story). As the world's citizens lay dead and dying only a few people manage to survive. This is their story.

The Review

Most of this movie takes place inside of a darkened bomb shelter. 8 survivors (4 studly young men and 4 super hot young women) huddle together trying to decide if they should go out into the radioactive wasteland, no doubt populated by flesh eating zombies or something, or stay inside the bomb shelter which is well equipped with food, plasma TV screens, a jacuzzi, and a snack bar. PLUS adjustable beds, a large collection of erotic films, and a sophisticated STD detection and prevention device that was previously owned by Hugh Hefner. AND an automatic pizza creation device built from space alien knowledge garnered at the military's mysterious Area 51.

After the teens decide to stay the End of the World party really gets a-bumpin'! It's almost 2 hours of wild teen drinking, making out, and pizza dining as the director performs a no-holds barred style of telling an end of the world story. These teens realize that they may never see the surface world again so they decide to "Exit partying."

Although the party-loving actions of skimpy dressed male and female teens is enough to hold you know who's attention, the director is conscious enough to cut between scenes of devastation death on the surface of the Earth and back to the party obsessed teens living in the bomb shelter. Thank goodness he only cut back and forth a few times because seeing those images of the unfortunate schmucks (99.9% of the world) contrasted with the bright smiles and go-go happiness of the bomb shelter teens was beginning to make me feel something like pity for the above-earthers. But once this annoying back and forth cutting stopped It just a good time afterwards in the bomb shelter.

Now not everything was rosy in the bomb shelter. There were fights over how much mayo one of the character liked on his sandwich, which bed was most comfortable; basically spats like any group of roommates would engage in. By the middle of the film there was not talk of rescue at all, just on how they could make their good time last forever.

Michael Bein (of Terminator part 1 fame) makes a strained appearance in this movie as a zombie trying to claw his way into the underground bomb shelter but you can barely recognize him through all of the dirt and zombie makeup on his face. Can you say , "wasted talent"? I'm not because I don't think Mr. Bein has ANY talent. He's just good at running and saying, "He's a TERMINATOR. He'll find us. That's all he does. THAT'S ALL HE DOES."

This movie probably had a decent amount of production values, etc. but because of the setting (inside of a dark bomb shelter) it's hard to tell. The destruction on the surface world above was done in a cheap manner. The filmmakers just drove through the ghettos of America, filming all of the delipitated apartment buildings, dirty city rivers, etc. which conveyed a good sense of the end of the world without the use of fancy-smancy special effects.

I recommend seeing this film. It's good, well acted, and won't cause you problems after it is over because there's nothing to think about once the end credits finish rolling up and the lights come on. Best kind of movie, I guess. A non-thinker.

Social Experiment Film Review! 

Red Tails

Original movie script title: "Black Tail"

Directed By: Billy Patton, the illegittamite black great grandson of World War 2 hero, General S. Patton

Starring:

-Rick Otto (the black John Wayne)
-Tristan Wilds (the black Gregory Peck)
-Terrence Howard (the black Sylvestor Stallone)
-Cuba Gooding Jr. (the black Arnold Swarzenneger)
-Bryan Cranston (the black Marlon Brando)
-Nate Parker (the black Brad Pitt)

Distributed By: African-American Film Distributors

Rating: ICABG (Interracial Combat Action involving Black men VS Germans)

The Plot: 

The United States Government, growing sick and tired of hearing rap music during the height of the war in Europe during World War 2, decides to draft many young black rappers into the airforce, give them delipidated air planes that could barely fly, a handful of ammunition, then send them out against a vastly superior and highly skilled German airforce.

The Review

What in the world was George Lucas thinking? This is the man who gave us the hit movie Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark. Now he's doing films about black men who supposedly learned how to fly complex airplanes despite the fact that every racists during that time had proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that black men could NOT fly airplanes. So essentially George Lucas is perpetuating a myth by showing a film about black men flying and battling nasty (but darn handsome) German Luftwaf pilots. I checked on the internet to see if black men could fly and all I got was a website called, www.fakeblackpilots.com!

As you can determine, this film is set in the past, and I give kudos to the authentic feel of the film. All of the buildings, and cars, and stuff look pretty darn legit. The clothing, etc. all look like they came out of the 40's. But that's where the authenticity stops! Because all of the characters act like they are in the 2000's. In short, they act like you and I!!! People are saying, "I wanna give a shout out to..." and "I'm working 24 / 7" -phrases and statements that were unknown back then. Not only that but black me can be seen fraternizing and touching (!) white women! Something that was super taboo back then. And it went the other way around too! There was one scene where a white man took a black woman home to meet his parents and instead of disowning him or shooting him dead on the spot they welcomed her with open arms into their family. Now I know that all whites weren't racist back then but this still makes the film seem to be set in the present, you know. It doesn't create a sense of environment at all.

Despite the lack of historical truthfulness in the dialog of this film, when it came to the airplanes and the training of the black pilots the whole film felt realistic. Like it was actually happening. When the USA government puts out the order to, "Round up a bunch of niggers and teach 'em how to fly a plane if you can", the hostility against blacks is felt pretty strongly. One black man, played by Cuba Gooding Jr. refuses to learn how to fly, so they chain him up and force him to change his name to Kunta Kinte. Althought this a blatant rip-off of the classic TV series, "Roots", it did go over well because it made the viewers (audience) think about how hard it was for black men to have any other name besides "Kunta Kinte" in the past.

The utter shamefullness of this era in American history is unabashedly put on display in this film. Many scenes show how the blacks had to literally rebuild their planes just days before flying into battle against the superior German airforce. During one attack sequence a couple of the pilots, played by Kobe Bryant and Shak, have to apply glue to the wings of their plane during a lethal dogfight high above the Earth. I'm glad this story is essentially fiction because if that's what my black brothers had to do in the past to earn the respect of America then I would have been satisfied shining the shoes of white businessmen instead.

But some of the depictions of racism in this film I feel are not honest. I believe that George Lucas himself may be the ultimate racist--he created a film that on the surface looks like a type of race relations improving film. Blacks helping to save the country that enslaved many of them! What a great, patriotic(?) theme. But in certain moments during the film I can perceive that Mr. Lucas is the one who wants to figure out what he's gonna do with the "niggers".

For example, there is a scene where the black pilots are trying to eat in a military cafeteria with a bunch of their white co-warriors. The black pilots aren't paid as much as the whites and can only eat a little bit of food. But then a few of the white characters get up and offer the blacks some of their fried chicken, collar greens, and other forms of "soul food". I don't believe that whites during the 1940's would have done this because it would've been too blatently racist. But I believe that Lucas wrote this scene at the last moment in order to make his black actors feel happy about the low pay he was giving them.

Some notes on the acting: All good stuff. Each actor was bold and challenging in his attempt to get control over the film (which is essentially what actors do when on the set), but they were no match for the Cuba Gooding Jr. who acted like he was a sports hero again as Terrence Howard begged the Pentagon for a better plane for him.

But don't get me wrong, my job as a critic is to force people to think about the films they see, hear of, think about by being bitterly opposed to the success of filmmakers worldwide. So when I indicate that a film is "bad" it's just because I want the people who made that film to start to think more about the art and science of making films. AND I want them to pay for trying to rip off the public by shoving a bunch of junkety junk into our collective face.

Cleptomaniacal Movie Review!

One For the Money

Original script title: "Two For The Show"

Review Summary: An incredible celestial experience.

Directed by: Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck

Starring:

-Katherine "Fine Ass" Heigl

-Jason "Double 00" O'Mara

-Sherry "?" Shepherd

-Daniel "Bollywood Here I Come" Sunjata

-Patrick "Freaky" Fischler

-John "I'm Getting Old" Leguizamo

!!!! Special guest appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as Kung Fu instructor Master Steele!!!!

The Plot

Katherine Heigl stars as an auto mechanic constantly harassed by her hairy, auto-oiled covered co-workers until she has enough. She makes a citizens arrest of all of the men and is held as a hero by the mayor of her small town. Consequentially she is offered a job as a bounty hunter by a fatherly black cop / Martial Arts instructor (played by Samuel L. Jackson disguised as a wise old Chinese Kung Fu master) who also serves as her mentor. After teaching Katherine the way of the Martial Arts empowered bounty hunter, Katherine embarks on a new and exciting career tracking down and bringing to justice men and women who should actually be put to death for the amount of terror and sheer pain that they've caused others in society.

The Review

I thoroughly (deeply?) enjoyed this film. Mainly because the director (directors?) was smart enough to keep the camera on the beautiful Katherine Heigl almost 80% if the movie. Even when the scenes changed during the film to locations where Katherine's character was not at, the producers and directors made sure that an image of Katherine was always visible in the lower right corner of the movie theater screen! Outstanding work, gentlemen. You know why I came to see this movie. I came for Katherine, not for some stupid bounty hunter story! That's why I'm giving this movie a hearty "GO SEE IT NOW!!". And you should.

As far as the story goes I don't know what to say since I was concentrating on Katherine's beautiful face and goddess-quality body during my entire stay in the movie theater. Every time she turned her head and flashed that perfect smile of hers I just shook my head in disbelief. How could such a creature even exist, I wondered to myself. As I thought these thoughts there was something else going on up there on the screen, something that involved a police chase sequence, a criminal doing cocaine, and an old woman being robbed at gunpoint but I barely noticed it all. Like I said, I just wanted to see Katherine and so I looked at the little photo of her in the lower right corner of the screen that was always present.

After about 2 hours or more of staring at and worshiping Kathy (as I've come to call her) the lights in the theater came up and the janitors came in. I was shocked to learn that I didn't just watch one showing of the movie, "One For the Money", but I had watched 3! Seems like my lust for Katherine made me lose track of time and space. I just sat there and sat there ogling her and wanting (demanding!) more of her. After the theater closed I ran towards the local video store in order to buy all of the Katherine Heigl movies but when I got there the entire building had been destroyed and only a single Red Box kiosk awaited me. Next to the box was an old security guard who warned me that I had better pay for the Red Box films and not try to "jimmy" the DVD dispenser in order to get a Kathy movie for free. I agreed with him but when I checked my wallet for a dollar or for credit cards I found out that it was empty!! EMPTY! In a panic I reflected, what happened to my money??? I realized that the day before that I was in a porn shop and had bought a plastic blow up doll that looked similar to Ms. Heigl. The doll cost me $499.00!!! so I was effectively broke. But I was too excited to be denied my daily dosage of Kathy. I struck out at the old security guard, breaking his old jaw bone easily. Then I took his gun from him and jammed it into his crotch. With the guard immobile with terror I slammed my fist into the RedBox machine and it began to spit out Katherine Heigl movies only! to my shock and delight. I then gathered up the films (only 5 of them) and ran like the Devil's valet parker back to my apartment.

Safely at home I watched every one of those Kathy movies until I fell asleep on the couch. I had blissful dreams of the blonde beauty herself. In those dreams she told me how much she loved me and what we were going to do to each other when we get back to her mansion in Hollywood. So all in all I must say this was a great experience. I'm sure you too will become a Katherine Heigl fanatic after seeing this movie. But if you see me in the video stores or anywhere that Kathy might be, you had better step aside. Because if you get in my way of getting Katherine to have my baby then there is no end to the suffering that I will cause you!