Original script title: "Two For
The Show"
Review Summary: An incredible celestial
experience.
Directed by: Mickey Mouse and Donald
Duck
Starring:
-Katherine "Fine Ass" Heigl
-Jason "Double 00" O'Mara
-Sherry "?" Shepherd
-Daniel "Bollywood Here I Come"
Sunjata
-Patrick "Freaky" Fischler
-John "I'm Getting Old"
Leguizamo
!!!! Special guest appearance by Samuel
L. Jackson as Kung Fu instructor Master Steele!!!!
The Plot
Katherine Heigl stars as an auto
mechanic constantly harassed by her hairy, auto-oiled covered
co-workers until she has enough. She makes a citizens arrest of all
of the men and is held as a hero by the mayor of her small town.
Consequentially she is offered a job as a bounty hunter by a fatherly
black cop / Martial Arts instructor (played by Samuel L. Jackson
disguised as a wise old Chinese Kung Fu master) who also serves as
her mentor. After teaching Katherine the way of the Martial Arts
empowered bounty hunter, Katherine embarks on a new and exciting
career tracking down and bringing to justice men and women who should
actually be put to death for the amount of terror and sheer pain that
they've caused others in society.
The Review
I thoroughly (deeply?) enjoyed this
film. Mainly because the director (directors?) was smart enough to
keep the camera on the beautiful Katherine Heigl almost 80% if the
movie. Even when the scenes changed during the film to locations
where Katherine's character was not at, the producers and directors
made sure that an image of Katherine was always visible in the lower
right corner of the movie theater screen! Outstanding work,
gentlemen. You know why I came to see this movie. I came for
Katherine, not for some stupid bounty hunter story! That's why I'm
giving this movie a hearty "GO SEE IT NOW!!". And you
should.
As far as the story goes I don't
know what to say since I was concentrating on Katherine's beautiful
face and goddess-quality body during my entire stay in the movie
theater. Every time she turned her head and flashed that perfect
smile of hers I just shook my head in disbelief. How could such a
creature even exist, I wondered to myself. As I thought these
thoughts there was something else going on up there on the screen,
something that involved a police chase sequence, a criminal doing
cocaine, and an old woman being robbed at gunpoint but I barely
noticed it all. Like I said, I just wanted to see Katherine and so I
looked at the little photo of her in the lower right corner of the
screen that was always present.
After about 2 hours or more of
staring at and worshiping Kathy (as I've come to call her) the lights
in the theater came up and the janitors came in. I was shocked to
learn that I didn't just watch one showing of the movie, "One
For the Money", but I had watched 3! Seems like my lust for
Katherine made me lose track of time and space. I just sat there and
sat there ogling her and wanting (demanding!) more of her. After the
theater closed I ran towards the local video store in order to buy
all of the Katherine Heigl movies but when I got there the entire
building had been destroyed and only a single Red Box kiosk awaited
me. Next to the box was an old security guard who warned me that I
had better pay for the Red Box films and not try to "jimmy"
the DVD dispenser in order to get a Kathy movie for free. I agreed
with him but when I checked my wallet for a dollar or for credit
cards I found out that it was empty!! EMPTY! In a panic I reflected,
what happened to my money??? I realized that the day before that I
was in a porn shop and had bought a plastic blow up doll that looked
similar to Ms. Heigl. The doll cost me $499.00!!! so I was
effectively broke. But I was too excited to be denied my daily dosage
of Kathy. I struck out at the old security guard, breaking his old
jaw bone easily. Then I took his gun from him and jammed it into his
crotch. With the guard immobile with terror I slammed my fist into
the RedBox machine and it began to spit out Katherine Heigl movies
only! to my shock and delight. I then gathered up the films (only 5
of them) and ran like the Devil's valet parker back to my apartment.
Safely at home I watched every one
of those Kathy movies until I fell asleep on the couch. I had
blissful dreams of the blonde beauty herself. In those dreams she
told me how much she loved me and what we were going to do to each
other when we get back to her mansion in Hollywood. So all in all I
must say this was a great experience. I'm sure you too will become a
Katherine Heigl fanatic after seeing this movie. But if you see me in
the video stores or anywhere that Kathy might be, you had better step
aside. Because if you get in my way of getting Katherine to have my
baby then there is no end to the suffering that I will cause you!
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