Criminal Movie Review!

Contraband

Release Date: January 13, 2012

Desired Release Date: Scarface's birthday

Starring (in reverse order of importance)

-Dopey Drake -The garbage man
-Alice Sogood - The Maid
-John Hauler - The Bus Driver
-Lukas Haas as The Up and Coming Actor
-Giovanni Ribisi as the Treacherous BFF
-Kate Beckinsale as the Hottest Wife
-Mark Wahlberg as Mr. Six Pack (have you seen this guy's abs! Check out the film "Shooter"!)
-George Lucas as Himself (thanks for the first 2 Star Wars films, good Sir! Awesome stuff.)
-God as Himself / Itself (thanks, literally for EVERYTHING.)

Behind the Scenes:

Produced by: A bunch of African drug lords
Filmed in: The Congo
Smuggled into the USA by: Ace Smugglers Inc.
Pursued by: The CIA
Captured in: Downtown Hollywood

Plot Summary

Mark Wahlberg stars as a down and out infomercial actor named Jimi Johnson who returns to a life of smuggling when sales for his incredible abdomen workout device, the "Flex-American" drop like a pack of cocain into the toilet during a drug raid in the 'hood. During his return to the underworld Jimi screws up big time and he and his pals are marked for death by the latest crime lord goon, Mr. Waybig (played superbly by surprise guest star, Christopher Walken!). Jimi must replace the drugs or the money that the drugs were worth or his wife, Bootsie (played astutely by the always stunning Kate Beckinsale) runs off with Mr. Waybig like she's promised to do ever since they were married (over 14 years ago).

The Review

This movie was a top-flight production from beginning to end. First, let me talk about the incredibly authentic wardrobe that the super couple (Mark and Kate) wore throughout the film. Mark's "dirty criminal" T-shirts and tank tops looked extremely authentic. In fact they looked TOO authentic. They had all sorts of food stains on them and massive dirt "slaps" (like a DWP worker had just climbed out of a street hole and ran right into Mark, grabbing him with his dirty paws and then suddenly realizing who he was, began to hug him with his super dirty uniform pressed up against Mark's ultra white T-shirt). Mark's jeans were very convincing too. They had graffiti written on them, such is the current underworld jean style. And there were a couple of bullet holes in the behind area of the jeans. As if some criminal had been popped a couple of times by some dirty (L.A.) cops.

Kate Beckinsale's wardrobe was on the verge of being x-rated! She wore leather throughout the film, as if the producers wanted to make sure that the male element in the audience took note that this was not an ordinary beauty, but a wild woman, worthy of the average whopping $12.00 movie theater ticket price. Looking like a dominatrix from one of her "Underworld" films, Kate strutted around in a leather jumpsuit, whip wrapped around her waist in a sexy-sort of manner. When she spoke her lips curled up (think Elvis) which made you realize what a great actress she really was (doing Elvis is hard I hear).

Besides the wardrobe other things in this film were just far beyond the usual sh*tty quality of a Hollywood film. During the action sequence I could swear that people were being hit and / or shot for real! After the film I checked the morgue to see if my theory was correct; and sure enough! At least 25 actors had been killed on March 3, 2011, the same day that "Contraband" started filming! Appalled at this knowledge I then decided NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT AT ALL and go to sleep. Like I said, these were top-notch action sequences. In one scene Mark is on a three-way phone call arguing with his super rude mother-in-law, the drug lord out to kill him, and the landlord who was demanding rent from Mark. Suddenly, Mark just slammed the telephone on a counter, busting it up into a million pieces. Then he hurled it towards an open window as his sexy wife (the lovely Kate Beckinsale) stood up from gardening. The phone smashed against Kate's head (stunt woman?) and she killed-over like she had been Tasered by an off-duty cop or something. This action sequence was so astounding that I turned to a couple of children (playing grade school hooky I presume) and asked them if they thought that the aforementioned action sequence was computer generated or live acted. They just shrugged their shoulders and giggled at me.

In fact there were easily about 2 dozen knock-down-drag-it-out fights in this film. And so much ammunition was being fired that I called the U.S. government to make sure that the filmmaker's weren't running through the USA's armed forces supplies, leaving us vulnerable to a possible invasion!

All in all, "Contraband" was an exciting waste of my time. I had plenty of other things to do that day, like taking my chemo for my brain tumor, but I put that and other things off so I could just have a good time. What I would really like to see is a sequel to this film! Maybe if it does well then wel'll get it. So here's hoping that Mark can pull it off. Let's hope that he has the acting chops to bring in the big money!