High As Cloud 9 Movie Review

'Cloud Atlas'

Previous Titles: 'Clown Atlas', 'Around The World In 9 Days', 'Atlas Shrugged Again'

Starring:
Tom Hanky-Panky Hanks
Hellish Berry
Captain Crunch
Barney The Dinosaur
The Ringling Brothers
John Dillinger
Baby Face Nelson

The Plot:
A bunch of Hollywood movie producers, still seeking to cash in on the Sci-Fi craze started by 'Star Wars' over 30 years ago, create a freaky sci-fantasy movie so mixed up, so without a shred of logic, that they collectively slit their own throats in front of both family and friends during a private premiere last month.

The Review:
This is a nasty film and I saw it in a nasty, NASTY theater. There were so many roaches and other multi-eyed creeping 30 legged things in there that I spent half the damn movie trying to make sure that they weren't crawling all over me. As I battled all of these filthy creatures in the auditorium ALONE (because nobody else showed up to watch this chaos posing as art) up on the screen, Tom Hanks and Halle Berry were fighting with the awful script they had been tossed a day before filming was to start. First of all let me say that I'm a big Tom Hanks fan. Really BIG--as big as his first big hit called 'BIG' coincidentally! So I'm kind of partial to the large craniumed guy. I let it slide when he kept forgetting his lines during the movie. But Halle Berry, the brown sugar queen herself I cannot forgive. She's supposed to be a class act you know,  helping to get Hollywood to hire more hot black chicks instead of the usual sponge-ugly ones that you see on TV and film. She forgot nearly every line in the damn movie! In one seen she could be seen clearly wiping a tear from her eye as someone off camera shouted something at her that obviously was edited out of the final product.

The Story? What story!!!? Okay, there's something LIKE a story here: Tom Hanks discovers a time machine and takes a journey around the Earth through it's different eras, stopping off and killing all sorts of time in any day that he likes. Trouble is he doesn't like it anywhere for long before he begins to verbally wish to get the hell out of there. In Rome, 43 BC, he flips off Julius Caesar himself! In Paris circa 1885 he screams obscenities at the great sculptor Rodin, challenging him to sculpt "like a real man" and stop busting up chisel after chisel carving out huge jagged figures (the kind Rodin eventually became famous for).

The Soundtrack? WHAT SOUNDTRACK!!!?? This movie was as unbearable to hear as it was to watch with a screeching non-stop 'soundtrack' from that spoiled brat Justine Beiber. "Where'd he get that hairstyle?" was all I could think as he unnecessarily "lip-synced" the instrumental only 'Cloud Atlas' soundtrack (check CNN for his confession). He even bragged about how his lip-syncing of orchestral pieces "sounded better than the actual instruments". GIVE ME A BREAK. By the time the movie ended I was ready to get the fudge out of there and go STEAL me a can of Raid (because I had blown all of the money my aging parents had given me for my birthday on stupid movie theater candy and sh*t.)

To make a long story short, I didn't get a chance to see that much of 'Cloud Atlas' because of the primordial battle I waged with the tiny inhabitants of the theater itself. Bugs all over the damn place. WTF. 'Did the movie attract the bugs or were they already in the theater?' That was the impression that 'Cloud Atlas' left me with. Take a rolled up piece of newspaper with you just in case it was the film that brought the bugs (is my advice).