The Man With The 'Soft' Fists Just Didn't Sound Right

The Man With The Iron Fists

Starring:

President Obama
Mitt Romney
Bruce Lee's Ghost
Buddha
George Lucas (special appearance as the 'Crouching Producer, Hidden Fanboy')

Directed by Quentin Tarantula the 3rd

The Plot:

The ghost of Bruce Lee visits Martial Arts Master President Obama and warns him that an evil entity known as 'Romneygeddon' has been resurrected by the Republican Party after an eons-long sleep in a shutdown Mormon Temple's basement to inflict great harm upon his administration UNLESS Master Obama can attack his only known weakness --the Golden Wallet of Avalon.

The Review:

This movie was awful. AWWFULLL!!!!! I wish I could hire a bunch of traveling cheerleaders to shout out how bad this movie was nationwide. I've never seen such a bigger collection of bubble-headed / bobbleheaded movie stars and politician turned actors in my life acting up a minor storm and pretending as if they were doing something relevant or holy at the same time. First the script: right away you know that it wasn't written by Shakespeare or James Joyce when the opening line is -"I'm gonna get you, Sucka!!!" spouted by a shameless President Obama dressed as an aging Martial Arts master (white hair and long white mustache and all!). My first thought (which would've been yours too) is 'how the hell did they get the leader of the Free World to do this film?? After that thought breezes in and out of your mind you've got a choice to make. A. Do I sit here and waste 3 hrs(!) of my life OR should I get up and get that big spicy hot dog that I saw in 7-11 the other day and have been craving ever since'? Hopefully for you, you'll choose to go and eat something -because I didn't and lived to regret it.

As I watched this film (which is full of mindless violence and stupid, odd sexual scenes) I felt my wallet being picked by the director, Quentin T. There was one particular scene which completely boggled the f*ck out of me. Bruce Lee's Ghost was training Master Obama in some deadly Kung Fu stuff when Joe Biden came in talking about a known terrorists being spotted entering the USA by a Canadian border patrol agent. Then Biden acts as if he notices the camera for the first time and rushes out of the scene. Was that real? Did the USA come under a threat while Obama was playing Kung Fu hero?? There's really no way to tell since the lazy ass filmmakers LEFT THE SCENE IN THE FILM. That's not all I saw in this movie that should've been left OUT OF THE FILM: random people walking through entire scenes, in one shot -during a battle no less, a toddler can be seen walking amid several explosions!! I kid you not. It was horrific. I think one of the crew working on the movie must've brought their kid to the set or something and somehow(?) the kid strayed...? Well, I hope that's what happened. Hate to think that the Hollywood exploitation machine has now focused on little kids. Putting them in real or apparent danger just to shock and offend us (and thereby create huge word of mouth advertising for this sick movie).

Anyway to make a long story short, the more I watched of this film the more retarded my brain felt until my subconscious began to take over my body and like a robot made me get up and walk to the door and out of that stupid theater. My whole exit felt surreal as a mother*cker. Like I was sleepwalking. I must've walked about a mile from the theater before my higher self decided to let me go and I collapsed on a sidewalk -half awake, half asleep. So do yourself a favor and skip this 'movie'. Do anything other than watch it --I mean anything. Iron your wife's bra or see how many Twinkies you can stuff up your asshole. ANYTHING would be more entertaining and fulfilling than this.