To The Batcave, Bella!

The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2

Original Script Title: 'The Twilight Saga: Marriage Sucks Part 2

Starring

-Robert 'Frankenstein' Pattinson
-Kirsten 'Cheater' Stewart
-Patrick 'Captain Picard' Stewart
-Talyor 'Wolfboy' Lautner
-Joe 'I saved the 2012 Election by acting tough during the V.P. debate' Biden
-Henry 'The Fonz' Winkler
-Angry Vampire Birds

Special appearance by William 'Not The Bald Captain' Shatner as the Vampire Council leader.

The Plot: While screwing the hell out of his cheating ex (or future cheating girlfriend, depending on when this 'movie' was filmed) Kristen Stewart (as 'Bella Swan' --can you pick a more obnoxiously beautiful name?), Robert Pattinson (AKA Edward Cullen) throws out his back and the two lovers head to Rio De Janeiro to seek an ancient vampire chiropractor that charges the lowest rates on Earth. As the pain increases (in his horny crotch as well as his back), Edward (AKA Robert Pattinson the actor) storms into a convenience store and demands a hundred cans of Red Bull to help him feel better. This is broadcast worldwide and the evil, twisted Vampire Union (AKA Vampire Council in the previous films) head to Rio but not explicitly to kill Edwin and Bella, but to engage in some hot sexual adventures with Rio's notoriously arousing brown and golden skinned inhabitants.

The Review
I wanted to give this review my all so I made sure that I didn't watch 'Twilight: Breaking Bread Part 1' OR The movie described above. I felt the only way to review this film COMPLETELY OBJECTIVELY was to NOT watch it at all! And then GUESS at what might happen in the movie itself. This is a certified method of reviewing a movie that the legendary movie reviewer Rodger Ebert approves of 100%. So here goes...

The directing on this film had to be the best thing about it. As I sat in an empty theater pretending to watch 'Twilight: Breaking Heads Part 2' and conversing with a non-existing girlfriend and equally non-existing 'pals' that I 'brought' along I thought that the director should be given an award or something for the exciting visuals and expert pacing of this film. The initial opening scene of the movie --where a shirtless Edward is banging the heck out of Bella is especially interesting. Because apparently Bella is ashamed of her body so much that she refuses to remove her wedding gown for their pre-honeymoon lovemaking. But Edward, the skilled lover that he was, deftly moved around and under the huge gown, guiding his thrust with the skill and ingenuity of a seasoned gigolo! The only thing I found wrong with this scene --or I should say DISTURBING about it was the shot of Taylor 'Wolfy' Lautner peeping at the lovers through their bedroom window. I felt this was an extremely sickening shot and should've been cut out of the film altogether. There was another shot in the movie that needed to be cut out too, that was the shot of President Obama winning the 2012 election. What did this have to do with the damn movie? I hate it when filmmakers include their political views into their movies. Stick the story!! Not politics!

The rest of the movie flowed pretty spectacularly. Picking William Shatner to star as the Vampire Club's leader was an inspired choice. Letting him wear a blood stained Captain Kirk uniform was even more inspiring. The film marketers obviously did their research: Twilight and Star Trek fans are one in the same!! As Edwin got his back worked on by the chiropractor (with Bella anxiously waiting for word on whether or not her manvamp can still have honeymoon sex with her), the Evil Vampire Republican Party descends on Rio and after a wild and certainly triple XXX rated orgy with the city's sex-obsessed inhabitants they pick up the ball and go hunting for Edwin and Bella. This is the only part of the movie that's kind of bad. I was watching this flick with a bunch of imagined teenagers and was scared as hell that the cops would bust in on us all because all that nudity, cursing, and drinking up on the screen should've gotten somebody locked up! But the teens were all giggling and playing peek-a-boo with the screen's action so they really missed half of the raw shots being thrown at us. There was one really old guy in the back row in a long rain coat grinning throughout the film but we all thought that it was probably the director attempting to watch the movie incognito (that's French or Russian for 'disguised') so he can judge the audience reaction to his film objectively.

Anyhoo the film eventually reached a satisfying climax (no pun intended) with Bella having a really ugly baby and trying to throw it out of a window while shouting "MONSTER!!!". But Edwin grabbed the vamp/human child and slapped Bella hard with it for trying kill it. This scene was shot in tedious slow motion, with psychedelic lenses flashing over it all and it made me and about 12 other teens in the audience throw-up our roach spray covered popcorn and hurl our mega-overdose sugary soft drinks (which was good because my large soda had 576 grams of sugar in it per serving and it was big enough to serve 3 people. That means I actually drank 1,728 grams of fucking sugar as I watched this twisted film!!! Now I know I have dia-f*cking-betes and I'm going to sue somebody for it!!

To make a short story longer, this movie was worth the $20.50 I paid for it. The guy outside of the theater said the flick was in 3D and I bought some glasses off of him and a beat up ticket. He ripped me off good but I still enjoyed the film! Go see it today! Or stay home and paint purple dots on you living room wall--I DON'T GIVE A F*CK.