Cleptomaniacal Movie Review!

One For the Money

Original script title: "Two For The Show"

Review Summary: An incredible celestial experience.

Directed by: Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck

Starring:

-Katherine "Fine Ass" Heigl

-Jason "Double 00" O'Mara

-Sherry "?" Shepherd

-Daniel "Bollywood Here I Come" Sunjata

-Patrick "Freaky" Fischler

-John "I'm Getting Old" Leguizamo

!!!! Special guest appearance by Samuel L. Jackson as Kung Fu instructor Master Steele!!!!

The Plot

Katherine Heigl stars as an auto mechanic constantly harassed by her hairy, auto-oiled covered co-workers until she has enough. She makes a citizens arrest of all of the men and is held as a hero by the mayor of her small town. Consequentially she is offered a job as a bounty hunter by a fatherly black cop / Martial Arts instructor (played by Samuel L. Jackson disguised as a wise old Chinese Kung Fu master) who also serves as her mentor. After teaching Katherine the way of the Martial Arts empowered bounty hunter, Katherine embarks on a new and exciting career tracking down and bringing to justice men and women who should actually be put to death for the amount of terror and sheer pain that they've caused others in society.

The Review

I thoroughly (deeply?) enjoyed this film. Mainly because the director (directors?) was smart enough to keep the camera on the beautiful Katherine Heigl almost 80% if the movie. Even when the scenes changed during the film to locations where Katherine's character was not at, the producers and directors made sure that an image of Katherine was always visible in the lower right corner of the movie theater screen! Outstanding work, gentlemen. You know why I came to see this movie. I came for Katherine, not for some stupid bounty hunter story! That's why I'm giving this movie a hearty "GO SEE IT NOW!!". And you should.

As far as the story goes I don't know what to say since I was concentrating on Katherine's beautiful face and goddess-quality body during my entire stay in the movie theater. Every time she turned her head and flashed that perfect smile of hers I just shook my head in disbelief. How could such a creature even exist, I wondered to myself. As I thought these thoughts there was something else going on up there on the screen, something that involved a police chase sequence, a criminal doing cocaine, and an old woman being robbed at gunpoint but I barely noticed it all. Like I said, I just wanted to see Katherine and so I looked at the little photo of her in the lower right corner of the screen that was always present.

After about 2 hours or more of staring at and worshiping Kathy (as I've come to call her) the lights in the theater came up and the janitors came in. I was shocked to learn that I didn't just watch one showing of the movie, "One For the Money", but I had watched 3! Seems like my lust for Katherine made me lose track of time and space. I just sat there and sat there ogling her and wanting (demanding!) more of her. After the theater closed I ran towards the local video store in order to buy all of the Katherine Heigl movies but when I got there the entire building had been destroyed and only a single Red Box kiosk awaited me. Next to the box was an old security guard who warned me that I had better pay for the Red Box films and not try to "jimmy" the DVD dispenser in order to get a Kathy movie for free. I agreed with him but when I checked my wallet for a dollar or for credit cards I found out that it was empty!! EMPTY! In a panic I reflected, what happened to my money??? I realized that the day before that I was in a porn shop and had bought a plastic blow up doll that looked similar to Ms. Heigl. The doll cost me $499.00!!! so I was effectively broke. But I was too excited to be denied my daily dosage of Kathy. I struck out at the old security guard, breaking his old jaw bone easily. Then I took his gun from him and jammed it into his crotch. With the guard immobile with terror I slammed my fist into the RedBox machine and it began to spit out Katherine Heigl movies only! to my shock and delight. I then gathered up the films (only 5 of them) and ran like the Devil's valet parker back to my apartment.

Safely at home I watched every one of those Kathy movies until I fell asleep on the couch. I had blissful dreams of the blonde beauty herself. In those dreams she told me how much she loved me and what we were going to do to each other when we get back to her mansion in Hollywood. So all in all I must say this was a great experience. I'm sure you too will become a Katherine Heigl fanatic after seeing this movie. But if you see me in the video stores or anywhere that Kathy might be, you had better step aside. Because if you get in my way of getting Katherine to have my baby then there is no end to the suffering that I will cause you!